Dear Broken Hearted Girl,
Have you ever thought that your ex-boyfriend has no feelings? That he has no sense of remorse regarding your break up? That he is heartless? Have you ever wondered how he could have devastated you so much by making the decision to break your heart?
Do you ever wonder if he’s even human?
Right now you’re angry and depressed, and you have every right to be, but have you ever thought about the painful decision HE had to render to end your relationship?
Your ex loved you at one point. He enjoyed spending time with you. He may have even been considering marriage. The possibilty of a break up had not even crossed his mind.
Somewhere along the way, things went wrong in the relationship. Perhaps the two of you argued consistently about one problem in particular? Perhaps your friends didn’t like him? Perhaps one of your quirks that he used to adore had gradually started to grate upon his nerves? Whatever the instance, something was inherently wrong in the relationship and it made him wonder if the commitment was worth the pain and the arguing.
Falling out of love can be harder than the act of falling in love. On one hand he is in a whirlwind of flowers and rainbows and constant sex. On the other hand, the flowers have dried up, the rainbow has disappeared and the sex has become intermittent at best (and if that’s not the case, then sex may be the only thing keeping you together!). Relationship problems have come to the forefront of his mind, and after much contemplation, he eventually decides that it is in his best interest to end the relationship because of “X” problem.
Even though the break up may have blindsided you, he may have been mulling it over for a very long time. His feelings of remorse may not be immediately apparent to you, but remember that he had to make the painful decision to hurt you. And if you’ve ever broken up with someone, then you know how hard it can be to come to that decision.
So what do you do now?
Remember that he once loved you and had feelings for you. Remind yourself that his decision to end the relationship may have been just as hard on him as it is on you. Remember that he is only human.
Allow yourself to cry, laugh, get angry and be miserable; after all, you’re only human too!
And if you’d like to speak with humans who are in the same situation…go to www.brokenheartedgirl.com where you can commiserate with other men and women just like you!
If you’ve recently been dumped and you’re having trouble getting over it, you should do everything you can to move forward. This includes getting The Breakup Workbook. And for a limited time, you can get your own FREE copy.
Simply sign up to follow us on Twitter by November 30th and you’ll be automatically entered to win!
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Take care,
MJ
This is probably the most personal blog I will ever write for public consumption, but it needs to be said.
It has been 3 weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend. I guess that’s why I haven’t written too many blogs lately. So what have I been doing? Well I (of course) have been following the exercises in The Breakup Workbook. So far I have:
Completely changed my bedroom. I moved the bed, bought new sheets and a great comforter, and moved the furniture around. I know he hasn’t seen my room this way and he never will. It is all mine and it is a fresh start.
Visited my therapist. She helped me realize that I did, indeed, make the right decision to break up with him. But she also gave me permission to grieve the relationship, which I think is important.
Found new things to do. I recently joined a bowling league, a trivia team and a dodgeball league. I have also accepted invitations to 3 different holiday parties – and I am sure there are more to come.
Put all of his stuff in the garage. There are 2 reasons for this. One, I can’t look at his things anymore. Two, he can come by and pick them up whenever he wants and I don’t have to see him. I already called him and received whatever closure it is that I needed. There’s no reason to see him at this point and I know if I do, I’ll probably make some mistakes that I’ll regret.
Joined a gym. I’ve found that it’s best if I go directly after work. Oftentimes if I head home straight from work, I change into my sweatpants and then just sit on my butt for the rest of the night. Frankly, I feel great after my workouts and I’ve noticed a change in weight – however slight. It makes me feel good about myself.
Had my pity party. I honestly didn’t cry for the first 2 weeks after we broke up. I guess I was still in shock. I eventually was stuck in traffic one day and I was really frustrated and I just lost it. I pulled over and allowed myself to cry and scream and yell at the top of my lungs. It felt great afterward and since then I have let myself cry when I feel the urge.
Put myself online. I am not ready to date. But whenever I get a wink or an email from someone, it helps me to remember that I will meet someone again. And I believe that after awhile I will start responding to some of the emails I receive… when I’m ready, of course.
I am incredibly devastated… But I also know that I will eventually be okay. I have friends and family to rely on and so far everyone has been incredibly sweet and good about inviting me places. It’s important to get out of the house when you’re depressed and ever-so-slowly I have been getting out there.
I still love him. But that will fade with time.
I broke up with my boyfriend of a year a couple of weeks ago. It has been a tough transition because I really didn’t want to break up with him…but I had to for my own good. If any of you have been in this situation, I’m sure you can understand. I really wanted to stay and work it out, but the more I tried, the less appealing working it out became.
Anyway, I have all of his stuff in a bag in my room and I thought that I’d just keep it until he decided he needed to pick it up, or until I decided to get in my car and drop it off at his place. I’m not ready to see him just yet, so it sits in my closet until that day arrives.
So today I grabbed my deodorant from the medicine cabinet and it ended up falling on the ground, spraying little white deodorant bits and pieces all over the floor. Irritated, I stared at the floor, wondering what my next plan of action would be. I was late for work as usual, so stopping at the store was not an option. And, I mean, I wasn’t about to go to work without deodorant!
And then I remembered! My ex left some deodorant over my place….so I dug around the bag…and sure enough, there it was! So I opened it, twisted the cap and lathered my pits in the cold jelly that is men’s deodorant. While I was waiting for the goopy jelly to dry (so different than my speed stick deodorant) I realized that I would end up smelling like him all day! What an idiot I am. So I started to grow sad…but then something happened. Before I could even begin to cry, I just started laughing. Seriously – the situation was so stupid that it was funny.
And so this morning, I laughed really hard for the first time in weeks – and it was all because I left my ex’s stuff in my closet instead of immediately returning it. And you know what, the smell has worn off like 8 hours later!
Will I return it soon? Maybe. I’ll let you know what happens!
1) Throw yourself a pity party. Get some ice cream and eat your heart out, then get sentimental and cry your eyes out. It’s actually good for you. A recent study published in Current Directions in Psychological Science, shows that after crying, your breathing and heart rate slows, which puts you into a relaxed state. So let it all out! It’ll help.
2) Erase. Don’t chase. Delete your ex’s number from your phone, text messages, emails, IM-buddy list, Facebook and any other social networking sites. The less contact you have with your ex, the less anxiety you’ll feel and the sooner you’ll heal.
3) Rally the troops. Give friends and family the green light to visit you at home, or accept their invites to go out. And while you’re with them – talk to them. A recent study by the University of Michigan shows that social interaction can help curb depression.
4) Join an online support network. Sign up for a support site like the one at BrokenHeartedGirl.com where you can share your story with other women who are experiencing the same pain or have overcome it. Giving and receiving advice can push open the doors to healing.
5) Drive past your past. When thinking about it doesn’t seem to be enough, hop in your car and drive by your former ex-boyfriend’s house, work, or places you used to hang out. You know, the jerk from a few years ago that you thought you’d never get over? Drive by and when you get there, take a moment to remember what it took to get over him. Then apply that strength to your current situation. Sometimes you have to drive by your past so you can move toward the future.
6) Don’t self-destruct. Reconstruct:
- Work extra hours at your job to get that promotion you’ve always wanted.
- If you hate your job, update your resume and start applying for a new one.
- Go back to school.
- Volunteer. Do something that you’re passionate about.
- Indulge in a hobby.
7) Put yourself out there: Qualifier – I am NOT saying to start dating right away! But while you’re getting over your heartache, you can put your picture up on a dating site. The inquiries you get from potential dates will make you feel attractive and desirable to the opposite sex, plus you’ll get rid of that feeling that “I’ll never meet anyone again.” When you’re over your ex, answer a few of the inquiries. Mr. or Ms. Right may be right around the corner.
Beat depression with a notebook. Use a guided journal like The Breakup Workbook, or simply grab a notebook and start with a pro/con list and go from there. A journal can show you where you’ve been and can be the place where you draw up the plan that gets you where you want to go.
9) Stick to a routine. Emotional upset can seriously mess with your daily routine. Set your alarm and wake up at the same time every day. Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. No skipping meals! Put aside time to pamper yourself. Go to bed by a specific time. The more structure you have in your life, the easier it will be to stay healthy and positive.
10) Ask for help. If you’re having difficulty accepting the breakup, or you feel that depression is taking over your life, seek a therapist. If your insurance plan doesn’t cover it and money is tight, check online or call your local hospital for a list of free mental health services or support groups. Some therapists have a sliding scale. And if none of that works, you can always call a toll-free hotline from the comfort of your own home.
If you’ve ever been dumped before, then no doubt someone has advised you that “it takes time to mend a broken heart.” You probably think that’s trite, but it’s actually true. It takes time to repair a broken heart and it’s what you do in that time that will cause you to come out of this ordeal a bitter person or a better person. So you can spend all your time lying in bed, whining about your ex, or you can spend your time doing something constructive – like traveling! Hey, the term “travel therapy,” didn’t just fall out of the sky. It was coined for good reason:
Travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind. ~Seneca
Whether it’s a road trip or a Spring Break Trip with StudentCity.com, travel will take you out of your current environment and help you “get your mind right.” When you make the choice to get away from it all, you will be too busy to:
- Spend your time waiting for the phone to ring
- Constantly check your cell phone for text messages
- Obsessively check your IM, Email, or Facebook page for messages from your ex
- Make a fool out of yourself by calling, IM-ing, texting, or showing up at his house
In short, a quick vacation with your friends will help you jumpstart your healing process because, for a short time at least, you will cut all contact with your ex. Additional benefits:
- You will reduce your anxiety level because you won’t have to worry about running into your ex
- You will nurture those friendships that you may have neglected when you were part of a couple
- You will meet new and interesting people
- You will create new memories that have nothing to do with your ex
So if you (or a friend) have been dumped, go on a quick vacation to get away from it all. A new environment will help you clear your mind and will kick start your healing process. Then, when you return from vacation, write in a diary, or get a guided journal like The Breakup Workbook and join an online support group (like the one at BrokenHeartedGirl.com) to help you continue to get over your ex in a healthy manner.
Have you ever heard someone say something like this to you?
“I knew in my gut that he was cheating on me. I just knew it. But I chose to ignore it. I wish I had trusted my instincts!”
So, tell me, if you’re feeling like something is a little off in your relationship, what do you do? Do you trust your instincts or do you just ignore it because you’re afraid that if you’re wrong, you’ll wreck the relationship? How do you find out what’s “really” going on without wrecking the relationship?
Do you get sneaky? Get creative? Or do you just go at the problem head on and confront him/her?
Would love to know your thoughts!
MJ
Set up your FREE account and join! You can write your own breakup blog, IM other users and post in our forum. It’s all very exciting for us and all of this new stuff should enhance your experience when you come to use our community! The only bad thing is we had to start from scratch, so while previously we had 1600 members, we had to start again at zero. Yikes!
Best,
MJ
Sorry for the inconvenience, but we’re upgrading BrokenHeartedGirl.com. In a few days, it’ll be a community in which you can login, chat, IM, and blog about your heartbreak and then talk about your eventual recovery. If you need to access the forum in the meanwhile, head to:
http://mjac.forumco.com.
Best,
MJ
Talking Dogs…the classic Breakup Slap…you gotta love it!
