Why it’s important to keep your ex’s stuff for awhile before you give it back…
I broke up with my boyfriend of a year a couple of weeks ago. It has been a tough transition because I really didn’t want to break up with him…but I had to for my own good. If any of you have been in this situation, I’m sure you can understand. I really wanted to stay and work it out, but the more I tried, the less appealing working it out became.
Anyway, I have all of his stuff in a bag in my room and I thought that I’d just keep it until he decided he needed to pick it up, or until I decided to get in my car and drop it off at his place. I’m not ready to see him just yet, so it sits in my closet until that day arrives.
So today I grabbed my deodorant from the medicine cabinet and it ended up falling on the ground, spraying little white deodorant bits and pieces all over the floor. Irritated, I stared at the floor, wondering what my next plan of action would be. I was late for work as usual, so stopping at the store was not an option. And, I mean, I wasn’t about to go to work without deodorant!
And then I remembered! My ex left some deodorant over my place….so I dug around the bag…and sure enough, there it was! So I opened it, twisted the cap and lathered my pits in the cold jelly that is men’s deodorant. While I was waiting for the goopy jelly to dry (so different than my speed stick deodorant) I realized that I would end up smelling like him all day! What an idiot I am. So I started to grow sad…but then something happened. Before I could even begin to cry, I just started laughing. Seriously – the situation was so stupid that it was funny.
And so this morning, I laughed really hard for the first time in weeks – and it was all because I left my ex’s stuff in my closet instead of immediately returning it. And you know what, the smell has worn off like 8 hours later!
Will I return it soon? Maybe. I’ll let you know what happens!
1) Throw yourself a pity party. Get some ice cream and eat your heart out, then get sentimental and cry your eyes out. It’s actually good for you. A recent study published in Current Directions in Psychological Science, shows that after crying, your breathing and heart rate slows, which puts you into a relaxed state. So let it all out! It’ll help.
2) Erase. Don’t chase. Delete your ex’s number from your phone, text messages, emails, IM-buddy list, Facebook and any other social networking sites. The less contact you have with your ex, the less anxiety you’ll feel and the sooner you’ll heal.
3) Rally the troops. Give friends and family the green light to visit you at home, or accept their invites to go out. And while you’re with them – talk to them. A recent study by the University of Michigan shows that social interaction can help curb depression.
4) Join an online support network. Sign up for a support site like the one at BrokenHeartedGirl.com where you can share your story with other women who are experiencing the same pain or have overcome it. Giving and receiving advice can push open the doors to healing.
5) Drive past your past. When thinking about it doesn’t seem to be enough, hop in your car and drive by your former ex-boyfriend’s house, work, or places you used to hang out. You know, the jerk from a few years ago that you thought you’d never get over? Drive by and when you get there, take a moment to remember what it took to get over him. Then apply that strength to your current situation. Sometimes you have to drive by your past so you can move toward the future.
6) Don’t self-destruct. Reconstruct:
- Work extra hours at your job to get that promotion you’ve always wanted.
- If you hate your job, update your resume and start applying for a new one.
- Go back to school.
- Volunteer. Do something that you’re passionate about.
- Indulge in a hobby.
7) Put yourself out there: Qualifier – I am NOT saying to start dating right away! But while you’re getting over your heartache, you can put your picture up on a dating site. The inquiries you get from potential dates will make you feel attractive and desirable to the opposite sex, plus you’ll get rid of that feeling that “I’ll never meet anyone again.” When you’re over your ex, answer a few of the inquiries. Mr. or Ms. Right may be right around the corner.
Beat depression with a notebook. Use a guided journal like The Breakup Workbook, or simply grab a notebook and start with a pro/con list and go from there. A journal can show you where you’ve been and can be the place where you draw up the plan that gets you where you want to go.
9) Stick to a routine. Emotional upset can seriously mess with your daily routine. Set your alarm and wake up at the same time every day. Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. No skipping meals! Put aside time to pamper yourself. Go to bed by a specific time. The more structure you have in your life, the easier it will be to stay healthy and positive.
10) Ask for help. If you’re having difficulty accepting the breakup, or you feel that depression is taking over your life, seek a therapist. If your insurance plan doesn’t cover it and money is tight, check online or call your local hospital for a list of free mental health services or support groups. Some therapists have a sliding scale. And if none of that works, you can always call a toll-free hotline from the comfort of your own home.
If you’ve ever been dumped before, then no doubt someone has advised you that “it takes time to mend a broken heart.” You probably think that’s trite, but it’s actually true. It takes time to repair a broken heart and it’s what you do in that time that will cause you to come out of this ordeal a bitter person or a better person. So you can spend all your time lying in bed, whining about your ex, or you can spend your time doing something constructive – like traveling! Hey, the term “travel therapy,” didn’t just fall out of the sky. It was coined for good reason:
Travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind. ~Seneca
Whether it’s a road trip or a Spring Break Trip with StudentCity.com, travel will take you out of your current environment and help you “get your mind right.” When you make the choice to get away from it all, you will be too busy to:
- Spend your time waiting for the phone to ring
- Constantly check your cell phone for text messages
- Obsessively check your IM, Email, or Facebook page for messages from your ex
- Make a fool out of yourself by calling, IM-ing, texting, or showing up at his house
In short, a quick vacation with your friends will help you jumpstart your healing process because, for a short time at least, you will cut all contact with your ex. Additional benefits:
- You will reduce your anxiety level because you won’t have to worry about running into your ex
- You will nurture those friendships that you may have neglected when you were part of a couple
- You will meet new and interesting people
- You will create new memories that have nothing to do with your ex
So if you (or a friend) have been dumped, go on a quick vacation to get away from it all. A new environment will help you clear your mind and will kick start your healing process. Then, when you return from vacation, write in a diary, or get a guided journal like The Breakup Workbook and join an online support group (like the one at BrokenHeartedGirl.com) to help you continue to get over your ex in a healthy manner.
Have you ever heard someone say something like this to you?
“I knew in my gut that he was cheating on me. I just knew it. But I chose to ignore it. I wish I had trusted my instincts!”
So, tell me, if you’re feeling like something is a little off in your relationship, what do you do? Do you trust your instincts or do you just ignore it because you’re afraid that if you’re wrong, you’ll wreck the relationship? How do you find out what’s “really” going on without wrecking the relationship?
Do you get sneaky? Get creative? Or do you just go at the problem head on and confront him/her?
Would love to know your thoughts!
MJ
Set up your FREE account and join! You can write your own breakup blog, IM other users and post in our forum. It’s all very exciting for us and all of this new stuff should enhance your experience when you come to use our community! The only bad thing is we had to start from scratch, so while previously we had 1600 members, we had to start again at zero. Yikes!
Best,
MJ
Sorry for the inconvenience, but we’re upgrading BrokenHeartedGirl.com. In a few days, it’ll be a community in which you can login, chat, IM, and blog about your heartbreak and then talk about your eventual recovery. If you need to access the forum in the meanwhile, head to:
http://mjac.forumco.com.
Best,
MJ
Talking Dogs…the classic Breakup Slap…you gotta love it!
Hi guys,
Someone in my forum at http://www.brokenheartedgirl.com/Forum.html posted a question. He was very angry at the time and was adamant that he didn’t want to hear the old cliche’s. He wanted to know exactly how to get over someone. And so I answered his post like this. For those of you that want to hear the brutal, honest truth, here it is:
…So how do you get over someone? The bitter truth: Zero communication with her and dragging your ass out of bed everyday.
Basically, you move on from someone when you make the conscious choice to do so, meaning you decide to cut all ties with her and not try to “be her friend” just because you think you can win her back. You start to move on when you decide that all hope for this relationship has expired and you come to terms with it. You move on a little every day when you drag yourself out of bed, take those steps toward the door with a heavy heart, and go to work – even though you don’t want to be there. You move on little by little with the knowledge that life will get better if you give it time. And if you don’t believe that, then think about another particularly tough time in your life that you were able to muddle through. Moving on is hard and it sucks, but it doesn’t happen overnight. How can it when you have such a hole in your heart that you truly believe that it will never be filled again? That’s how EVERYONE feels after they get dumped by the love of their life. Know that you are not alone in your grief.
And after you have gotten to the point where you can go an hour or two without thinking of her, you can begin to move forward. And how do you move forward? You start by making good choices. Go to the gym instead of drinking yourself to oblivion every night. Start getting out of bed on the weekends instead of lying in it all day. Eat 3 times a day. Live your life for yourself by taking care of yourself -physically, mentally and emotionally. Then slowly, every so slowly, you will find yourself a little more stable than you were in the weeks immediately following the breakup…and maybe at that point, you can begin to fantasize about someone other than your ex…and when that happens, perhaps you’ll think about getting ready to meet someone else? Maybe not. But until then, get out of bed every day and force yourself to live your life even though you don’t see the point. That’s how you get over it. That’s how you move on.
He was really cool in his response to me- he actually thanked me for my honesty and for providing somewhat of a blueprint to help him move forward. Because of that comment, I decided to share this with the rest of you. As always, I’d love to know what you think. How do you move forward?
-MJ
If you are seriously broken hearted and your friends have all but told you to shut up about it, you may find it worthwhile to reach out to others in the same situation. So, join our FREE forum and chat it up with others who can also use a shoulder to cry on. Just follow forum etiquette – type your story and wait for answers, but while you’re waiting for answers, respond to someone else’s post. They’ll appreciate it and will more than likely respond to your story too.
Do any of you men and women watch Entourage? Well on this week’s episode, Season 6, Episode 10 “Berried Alive,” Eric broke up with his girlfriend, Ashley, just the way that you’re supposed to break up with a person. Since a lot of you ask me how to break up with someone the right way, I think this episode is a good guide.
Eric met Ashely in a restaurant, ordered drinks and then told her exactly how he felt. He told her that she said that she wasn’t crazy when they first met, even though she acted nuts, and he gave her the benefit of the doubt. However, she calmed down for a short while and then funneled her “crazy” back into the relationship. He then gave examples as to why everything she does “points to crazy.” She totally blew up in the restaurant, but she only ended up making a fool of herself. Eric was honest, up front and didn’t leave the conversation with a, “Can we still be friends?” He basically said, “So long. See you around.” He made a clean break and walked away guilt-free.
Sure, he was only with Ashley for a few months, so he didn’t owe her anything. But what he did was WAY more mature than going the “text” or “email” route.
If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, then you know the wrong way to break up with your ex. So how do you go about breaking up with someone the right way? Here are a few pointers.
1) Meet the person in public not too far away from THEIR house. That way if they end up a total mess, they won’t have too far to drive home with tears in their eyes.
2) Tell them EXACTLY why you want to break up. The “it’s not you, it’s me” thing is not going to fly. People REALLY want to know why – and if you’ve read any of the advice posts on this blog, then you know it’s a common theme in breakup recovery. Just tell them why. It’ll make it easier on them in the long run, although it will sting initially.
3) Make a clean break. Don’t tell him you still want to be friends. Just say why you want to break up and find a way to get out of there. Most likely your now-ex will storm out first, but you never know. If you really, really want to be friends, then call your ex (no emails, no texts) a few months down the road after he’s had time to process the breakup. It’s not fair to stay in your ex’s life when you know for sure that he isn’t over you. Give your ex time to grieve. When you do call, make it absolutely, 100% clear that you only want to be friends.
4) Give your ex time to grieve. Don’t call. Don’t text. Don’t email. Don’t IM. As stated above, it’s not fair to your ex. If immediately after the breakup, your ex calls to talk, then feel free to answer any questions they may have. But ultimately, perhaps after 2 weeks, you should just tell your ex that you’d like to make a clean break and the best way to do that is to stop talking. Again, it’ll hurt your ex initially, but it’s better in the long run – and feel free to tell your ex that.
5) Move on. You’ll feel guilty about it for awhile, but that’s normal. Give yourself time before you begin to date someone seriously again. Play the field and have fun.
Yeah, it takes guts to break up with someone. But when you do it face-to-face and tell the person WHY you’re breaking up, you’ll avoid a whole slew of problems down the road. And you’ll be doing your ex a big favor. It’s not that hard. You can do it! Just take pointers from Eric’s character on Entourage.
