Our Goals are Different. Should We Just Give it Up?

Dear MJ,

My gf and I are engaged. I am 48, she is 44. I retire at 50, (next summer) and have always been single, have money and want to travel. She can’t afford to retire without me in her life, has two kids (6 and 8), has 50% custody with her ex- and can’t leave the area for any longer than a couple of weeks. This seems to hugely conflict with my plans to live in Spain for a while, England for a while, Africa for a while…. 

 Our plans definitely don’t align. We love each other but our dreams seem to be self-cancelling- that is, her life won’t allow for my dreams of travel to happen. In the past she has gotten quite upset about me leaving as often as I do (monthly) to go on ski trips, biking with the guys etc. I say that we have both made choices and that we both have to accomodate each other’s lives and if we love each other, we will make this happen. She still seems to get upset. I end up getting the silent treatment sometimes for days. 

 The relationship is very physical.  Should we just give it up? 

- BL

 

Dear BL -

Congrats on being able to retire at 50.  Not many people are able to plan ahead enough to do that.  That’s great.

The advice I’m giving is based solely on this post:

It seems like you have dreams that you want to live and if she can’t find a way to help you live your dreams, then you don’t see the relationship as being viable.  Selfish?  Absolutely.  Realistic? Yes.  Right or wrong?  It depends on how you view it.

What it comes down to is marriage takes sacrifice and compromise.  You want her to compromise to help you live your dreams – but in this letter, you didn’t mention what you’re willing to compromise.  What can you bring to the table – besides money?

You’re right – your plans for life don’t align, but at the same time, when my parents were divorced I was able to move overseas and live with my dad, while spending every holiday with my mom in the states (entire summers, 3 weeks over Christmas, etc).  It may be possible that your future wife could work something out with her ex-husband with the argument that American schools overseas are top notch.  Teachers here compete to teach in other countries, consequently, most teachers in American schools overseas have PhD’s.  Plus, it’s a learning experience and vacations there are longer than school vacations in the states to accomodate travel.

Honestly, though, it doesn’t sound to me that you want to be a father.  It sounds to me that you really would like to spend life as an eligible bachelor – which is fine, many men that I know are – but at the same time, I’d hate for you to wake up at 60 and regret not having someone special to grow old with that knows you inside and out.
 
This is a personal choice.  Dig deep.  Don’t make your decisions based on superficial things.  Don’t marry your fiance because she’s hot and you like the physical aspect of your relationship.  Marry her because you’re in love with her and you want to be with her – death ’till you part.  If she can’t move her children overseas, you can always move when her children are in college.  Meanwhile, the two of you can do a lot of traveling.  Two weeks in Spain, three weeks in Australia, etc. 

Good luck!

-MJ

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