Why should I follow the “no contact” rule?

14 Sep

A lot of people ask me, “why should I follow the ‘no contact’ rule? When do I decide to start it? What does it do for me? What can I hope for it to accomplish in the end?” So I’m going to try to answer this question as best as I can, given the knowledge I’ve gained from speaking with literally thousands of broken hearts all around the world.

When should I start “no contact”? Start it if you:

  • Call, text or email him relentlessly after the breakup, only to receive no response.
  • Drive by his house and/or work to confront him, or just to catch a glimpse of him.
  • Call his friends and family members to talk about him, only to receive no response, or a cold reception.
  • In addition to these points, begin “no contact” if you do anything in general that makes you feel like a complete fool.

What does following the “no contact” rule do for me?

  • It will help you gain back some of the self-esteem you have lost after repeatedly trying to contact him to no avail.
  • It will give you time to grieve.
  • It will give you time reconnect with, or repair some relationships that you may have neglected while you were part of a “couple.”
  • It will give you time to intuitively consider the relationship, the ups, the downs, and ultimately, the demise. A good guide to help you do this is The Breakup Workbook

What does following the “no contact” rule ultimately accomplish? 

  • You’ll get your self-esteem back because you won’t do things that compromise your dignity.
  • You’ll begin to rely on your friends and family – the people that will never leave you. Hopefully, you’ll continue to nurture these relationships.
  • You’ll learn to accept that the relationship truly is over.
  • You’ll be well on your way to moving on and opening yourself up to new people.

However, there is one outcome that is not highly likely, but you never know…your ex may realize what life is like without you and call you to get back together. If this happens:

  • Protect yourself. Don’t become a victim of “the booty call.” Make sure you are really in a relationship before you sleep with him.
  • Really think about the pro’s and con’s before you decide to get back together with him. Loneliness is not a good reason to resume a bad relationship.

The “no contact” rule really is hard to follow. You’ll have some set-backs for sure, but don’t beat yourself up over it. As time goes by, it gets easier, I promise.

Have you followed the “no contact” rule? What advice would you give to someone who is considering it?

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3 Responses to “Why should I follow the “no contact” rule?”

  1. Rayn March 11, 2010 at 4:56 PM #

    My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago today. I haven’t contacted him. I haven’t deleted his number, or de-friended him on Facebook either. I go through bouts everyday where I just want to call him. Like right now. Instead I come to this website or the sister site, when I think I might have bothered my friends too much.

    The irony is I found and purchased the book on the kindle he gave me for Christmas. I am still devastated, and angry, and in love. Deep down I know I just need to move on. I need to respect that he has moved on, and therefore so should I.

    • JONATHAN March 25, 2010 at 11:04 PM #

      Hhhmp..i am just want to start a no contact just today!I do hope I can stay long with a no contact rule with my GF

  2. McKay November 11, 2012 at 4:13 PM #

    Tmrw wil b a week tht my ex broke up wit me, unfortunately so I been keepin track on him on twitter to c if he dumpd me 4 anada chick or nt. I’m on the NC rule N it seems lyk he is feelin down or sumthng. We only dated 4 a month I’m stil tryin to figure out the reason he dumpd me.

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