Ask MJ: “I Want Validation. Am I Missed?”

16 Feb

Dear MJ,

Here’s my issue with NO CONTACT.
 
Recently about a month and six days ago (but who’s counting?) my boyfriend, who was a major loser from the jump, (ex-felon, lazy, narcissistic, but charming) just went MIA after a petty argument. He said some evil things to me via text and from that moment on I decided to do NO CONTACT. I didn’t call or beg him for an explanation. I suffered in my own silence. I just couldn’t bear one moment of me feeling weak or him knowing how much I care.  I had to make him feel like he wasn’t a King.
 
I deactivated my FB account after about a week of not speaking, he saw me online and logged off then posted some subliminal evilness…”when you have something and you lose it, you cant get it back”.  After that, I blocked him and took the time to heal or suffer some more because that comment had me depressed for weeks..I mean I almost had a nervous breakdown from the swift change in the relationship to him not being there, despite him being a major douche. I mean he logged off like we were never together..like he never knew me.
 
PROBLEM:

Even if I know that he wasn’t on my level and probably just wanted to use me etc… I still wish he would text or call. VALIDATION…Yes I know. No contact is for me but I wish I knew that in some way he is affected by my No Contact. That I caught him by surprise because I’m showing that I don’t care. SMH…I will never know what’s going on in someone’s mind, but I just wish I knew if he had forgotten about me. Am I missed?  At this point in my life – especially after how he ended it – I shouldn’t care, but I do. 

-AS

Dear AS,

In my vast experience, people don’t just “forget” you. If you were with him for a bit of time & intimate with him, I’m pretty sure you made an impression. The thing is, it sounds like he’s just as stubborn as you are.

Your ex was, in your own words, a major loser who is an ex-felon, lazy and narcissistic. It baffles me as to why you would need ANY sort of validation from this joker whatsoever. And honestly, the “subliminal evil” he posted should be enough for you to know that you not speaking with him DOES, indeed, bother him. However, if he’s totally narcissistic like you say, then you know that texting him or calling him would just feed into his narcissism and give him validation that YOU miss him. And we don’t want that. Right now, you have the upper hand. If you ever run into this kid again, you can do it with your head held high. You didn’t beg. You didn’t text him. You just said, “You want to break up? Fine. I’ll get over you with dignity.” You should be proud of yourself.

The boy is indifferent. You can basically throw a penny and hit any number of men who will treat you with indifference. And you’ll end up with the same result. You’ll feel used & you’ll feel like you wasted your time on someone who never took you seriously or treated you well. Trust me. I’ve been there too.

So what you need to do is figure out WHY in the first place you would choose to date such a loser. Was it because he was hot? Was it because he was charming? Don’t you think you’d do better to date UP instead of dating down? You know, dating someone who can intellectually stimulate you, who makes you laugh, who makes you feel secure – someone you’d be PROUD to introduce to your parents? Were you in a vulnerable position when you met your ex – is that why you let yourself date him?  That’s the real question. I understand that you’re lonely and you feel like he has forgotten about you because he hasn’t reached out – that’s normal – but I wonder more about why you want THIS particular narcissistic ex-felon to provide you with validation? If I were you, I’d be thanking my lucky stars that he’s no longer in my life and I am free to meet someone on my level or above. Whether or not he wanted to “use” you has nothing to do with it. This is more about you than it is about him. I hope you realize that.

You sound smart. And you’ve done everything right. Unfortunately, a month isn’t all it takes to shake free of someone completely. It takes time, but it also takes work. So figure out why this particular douchebag meant to so much to you. Make some goals for yourself for the future. Stick to them. Let the clock tick and the days go by. Wake up every day feeling proud of yourself for sticking to No Contact. And live your life. As soon as you meet someone better – someone that you’re interested in – I promise you that you’ll be kicking yourself for ever dating this guy in the first place. Don’t give in and break No Contact. Just keep moving forward. He’s not worth it. You’ll understand that as time ticks by. Make sure your email me when you do meet someone new. And make sure that he’s not a lazy, narcissistic, ex-felon.

Feel better,

MJ

MJ is not currently giving advice, however, you can post your problems on BrokenHeartedGirl.com and others who are going through the same thing can help you for free!

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4 Responses to “Ask MJ: “I Want Validation. Am I Missed?””

  1. Only the strong will prevail February 16, 2012 at 5:34 PM #

    Your freaking awesome. Hats off to you..and thank u. It means alot.

    Yes you are right. It indeed bother him and that post was just after one week of NC. He must be fuming now..It is about me..Yes I was lonely and I knew I should run and never look back but being addicted to the calls texts..I’m 33 and I realize that those things arent just enough. He should be the one insecure he knew I was too good for him. He even told me so..Told me I intimidate him. smh..

    In the past I wouldnt have hesitate to call and question. That did make me look weak. I have to tap into my inner strength and keep looking forward. When we had the text war I told him he was abusive..He knew I was right..

    To answer your question about validation from a loser such as himself? Well…when a bum doesnt want YOU, u ask yourself..How could a bum not want me? He should be happy I gave him a chance. It rocked my ego so bad that he was so sure of himself and didnt want me nomore etc. and yes stubborn just as I. (lol). How did u figure that one out? :)

    ps. i will keep you posted when I meet a good quality man but first I want to get my own issues straight so I can stop repeating the same mistakes over again. I’m worth it..

  2. andy101 June 2, 2012 at 4:25 AM #

    I met this really hot good looking guy about four months ago and he seemed really shy and nervous around me. We had great chemistry and we were really attracted to each other. Normally I’m a girl who takes her time before jumping into bed with someone but with him it happened so fast(wasn’t on the first date doe). He would text me everyday and would offer to take me out, after we had sex I realised the texts became less so did the calls. He started to tell me he was really busy at work that’s why he couldn’t see me and he couldn’t take me out because he didn’t like to go out (the few times he went out he would act really uneasy), gradually the only times I saw him were at night. The phone calls stopped and I noticed that after we got busy he would disappear for days and not call me only send a text like a day or two later. I tried to be understanding putting in mind that we were not dating officially. The few times I lost my cool was when he would accuse me of sleeping around and lying, when I talked to him about how he made me feel he would say I was overreacting and I was being dramatic because he was joking. I never pushed him to take me out and I hardly ever called him so I won’t make him feel like I was bothering him, even at this he acted like I was bugging him so I decided to ignore him and that’s when he started texting everyday he started calling as well something he had stopped doing in a while. We were doing fine until one day out of the blue he accused me of seeing other people after that it was back to the hardly calling or texting phase again(during this period he was away on business for two months). The calls stopped completely and he would only text me. I started to see that he stopped talking to me about himself and I noticed when I spoke he would go blank like he wasn’t listening to what I was saying,at this point it seemed the only time he showed up was when he wanted sex. I insisted he take me to the cinema and his excuse was his car was bad and he would let me know( the car was bad when he showed up earlier than usual to have sex). I asked him to come over and he did, when I refused his advances for sex he began to sulk and was a bit rude to me, I was mad at him and I didn’t talk to him for a day. He texted me later that night asking me why I wasn’t talking to him I told him I didn’t like the way he treated me and he told me he was joking, I now told him there was a limit to what I could take and that pissed him off and we didn’t speak for a day. I texted him after a day and I told him I couldn’t see him anymore and he was like ok if that’s what I want ( before now when I got fed up and tried to break it off he wouldn’t let me). Its been over a week and I haven’t heard from him, I feel a bit hurt because I thought he cared about me, sometimes I wonder if I was too harsh or I misunderstood him.

    • Monica February 27, 2014 at 9:53 AM #

      Hi Andy, I know this post is old, but what happened with all this and how are you doing now? This story you tell is very similar to what I’m experiencing, except that the guy isn’t hot at all, but we connected so well that I fell for him.

      • andy101 February 28, 2014 at 6:41 AM #

        Hi monica, I ended the relationship. I realised that he never really cared about me. A guy who is really into you will make time for you no matter what unless its not humanly possible. Never accept all the lame excuses they make not to see you, know your worth and never settle for less,men respect that. It was hard and I still have some feelings for him but I won’t allow my self to be treated badly.
        He still keeps in touch from time to time telling me he misses me but I don’t fall for it because he hasn’t backed it up with actions. I am dating now and I am happier than I have ever been. Hope this helps, best of luck.

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