Should You Give Them a Second Chance?

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Everyone sees themselves as kind, sweet and forgiving. And why not? These are virtues we are all supposed to live up to. But when push comes to shove, it can be really difficult to give someone the benefit of the doubt – especially when you’re hurt in a relationship.

So when you’re hurt the first time, you probably at least consider forgiving the person who hurt you and try to mend the relationship and move forward. It’s great. Let’s hold hands. Kum Ba Ya.

But what happens when the person does the same awful thing again? Sucker!

Should you let go and move on? Or should you try yet again, knowing that this person may not change? Bet it all or cash out?

After living and learning a little bit, I’ve used these criteria when choosing to forgive someone yet a 3rd time:

1) How badly did the situation hurt me?
2) What actions (if any) can I take in the future to avoid this situation?
3) What do my friends and family think? (Maybe I’m blowing it out of proportion. Maybe I’m justified?).
4) Would my life be easier without this person in it?
5) Would I be happier with a more drama-free existence?

Then I take all of the answers to those questions and decide. Sometimes life is easier when you cut ties with certain toxic individuals. But remember, you can always forgive someone without continuing a relationship in the future. Being bitter is never fun. And forgiveness is divine!

What do you consider when you’re decided whether or not to forgive someone a third time?

Feel better!

MJ

www.BrokenHeartedGirl.com

More tips to control your anger

Dear Broken Hearted Girl.com

In keeping with our anger management theme, here is another article that speaks to not only controlling your anger, but maintaining your coping techniques to try to manage your anger long term.

If you’re having trouble keeping your temper in check, especially if you tend to take it out on other people, then this is the article for you.

In addition, if your troubles surround anger at your ex, you can always log on to http://mjac.forumco.com to post angry letters that you want to send to your ex, but know you probably shouldn’t.

Keep using the tips we have given you and don’t forget to see a professional if your anger is taking over your person. We want you to get over this tough time in your life and get ready to move on to the next phase…happiness!

Feel better,

MJ

Anger management: Tips to control your temper
From MayoClinic.com
Special to CNN.com

If you find that your angry outbursts are negatively affecting your relationships with family, friends, co-workers and even complete strangers, it’s probably time to change the way you express your anger.

Here are some tips to get your anger under control:

Take a “time out.” Count to 10 before reacting or leave the situation altogether.
Do something physically exerting. Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you’re about to erupt. Go for a walk or a run, swim, lift weights or shoot baskets, for example.
Find ways to calm and soothe yourself. Practice deep-breathing exercises, visualize a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself, such as “take it easy.” You can also listen to music, paint, journal or do yoga.
Express your anger as soon as possible so that you aren’t left stewing. If you can’t express your anger in a controlled manner to the person who angered you, try talking to a family member, friend, counselor or another trusted person.
Think carefully before you say anything so that you don’t end up saying something you’ll regret.
Work with the person who angered you to identify solutions to the situation.
Use “I” statements when describing the problem to avoid criticizing or placing blame. For instance, say “I’m upset you didn’t help with the housework this evening,” instead of, “You should have helped with the housework.” To do otherwise will likely upset the other person and escalate tensions.
Don’t hold a grudge. Forgive the other person. It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want.
Use humor to defuse your anger, such as imagining yourself or the other person in silly situations. Don’t use sarcasm, though — it’s just another form of unhealthy expression.
Keep an anger log to identify the kinds of situations that set you off and to monitor your reactions.
You can practice many of these strategies on your own. But if your anger seems out of control, is hurting your relationships or has escalated into violence, you may benefit from seeing a psychotherapist or an anger management professional. Role playing in controlled situations, such as anger management classes, can help you practice your techniques.

Keep at it

It may take some time and intense effort to put these tips into practice when you’re facing situations that typically send you into a rage. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to remember your coping strategies.

You may need to keep something with you that serves as a reminder to step back from the situation and get your anger under control. For instance, you may want to keep a small, smooth stone in your pocket or a scrap of paper with your tips written down. With due diligence, these anger management techniques will come more naturally and you’ll no longer need such reminders.

Divorce: Tips For Dealing With The Anger

Dear BrokenHeartedGirl,

In keeping with our trend on exploring anger issues after divorce, I found this article written by Cathy Meyer at about.com. I like that it speaks to “letting go” and allowing your anger some outlet.

Hopefully these tips will help you!

Feel better!

-MJ

Divorce: Tips For Dealing With The Anger
From Cathy Meyer,
Your Guide to Divorce Support.

After a divorce, most people go through a myriad of emotions. Hurt, disappointment, and grief are some of the more easily recognized emotions, but underlying all of these may be anger.

Here are five strategies that will help you deal with your anger in a positive way.

1. Don’t stuff it. Anger is a legitimate emotion and is your heart trying to tell you something is hurting. Stuffing anger to avoid dealing with it can result in depression, your anger turned inward. Allow yourself to explore the reasons for your anger and to express it in safe ways.

2. Don’t fear it. Women especially may have been brought up to think that they should be “nice and agreeable” and not get angry.
Everyone gets angry at times, and it is a healthy emotion, not something to be feared. Journal or talk to a friend to vent your angry feelings, so you can work through them.

3. Don’t worry about losing control. One fear many people have is that if they let their anger out, they won’t be able to control the rage that may be inside them. This is usually a fear with no basis in fact. Find a safe place to vent your anger. Punch a pillow, scream, or do whatever makes you feel the release you need.

4. Don’t worry about what other people will think. If you feel anger, you have a right to feel that way. Individuals may think that it’s acceptable to express grief or sadness, but anger may bring on feelings of embarrassment or shame. Allow yourself to go through your emotions, no matter which ones they are.

5. Get regular exercise. If you are having a hard time processing the reasons for your anger, it may just be resulting from your overall situation and the frustration you feel from dealing with stress. Taking a walk, doing aerobics, or even kickboxing can make a person dealing with anger feel much relief. Do an exercise that you know is safe for you, and give it your all. Check with your physician if you have any questions about whether or not exercise is appropriate for you.

What Do You Do With Your Anger?

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

I found this article that begins to answer the question, “What do you do with your anger?” I hope you find it thought provoking. Later articles this month will delve deeper into anger issues and finding support for your anger.

Feel better!

-MJ

What Do You Do With Your Anger?

After divorce, most people develop anger. Anger over what went wrong. Anger over injustice was done to them. Anger over why did one invest so much in a marriage that was going to break. Anger over why did one marry? Guilt, anger and frustration are major emotions of most divorced people. Worse happens to women who are forced to go for divorce because of domestic abuse. How does cope up with these emotions and come out intact?

It may be a very difficult and long process. All the emotions combine and produce so much confusion in the mind that it gets tired with all the thoughts. Good and bad thoughts come one after another. The thoughts and the emotions confuse and tire the mind. The pain of having been used and then getting thrown away can be bad and unbearable.

The first step would be to give yourself a little peace. Try to distract your mind, by meeting friends, visiting places and reading books. Don’t allow the thoughts to hammer your mind all the time. Give it some rest. After some period, you may begin getting some answers to why all that happened. Don’t think much about the answers because no amount of finding out will ever return the old days. Try to live through the pain and anger whenever you can. That will drain it out. It may take some time, but unless you live through the emotions, they would never leave you. Better experience whatever pain comes in a manner so that you can bear it. After some time, re-begin your journey of life. Like a child, step after step and one day you will run again.

Relationship Criticisms

Dear not-yet Broken Hearted Girls,

Are you in a relationship in which your boyfriend or husband has criticized you about the same thing over & over again? Maybe he says that you don’t make enough time for him. Maybe he says that you’re always moody and he never feels as if he can do enough for you to be happy. Maybe he says that you never seem to be “in the mood?”

No matter what he says, it’s important that BEFORE you break up with him because of these criticisms, that you take them to heart. Being in a relationship is a two-way street. No doubt that there are things about him which you have criticized – so remember that he has every right to criticize you as well.

Ask yourself; Is there any merit to the things he says?

Before you start yelling at him for the umpteenth time, take time to really think about his words. Although you may be busy, do you unnecessarily neglect him? Are you unhappy in general? Do you think you might need to make some changes with yourself so that you can be more happy? Are you as sexually active with him as you would like to be?

Words hurt, but a lot of times, if a person that is close to you has something critical to say about you, there may be some merit to it. Take time to review what he says from every angle before you throw the relationship away altogether. Talk it out. Make amends if you can.

And if after you’ve thought about it long and hard, you think it’s time to walk away, then I hope you can find the strength to do it.

- MJ

Change Your Break Up Tunes

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Okay, so you’ve been dumped and it sucks. And now you’re listening to the radio and getting involved in all the wrong songs. You’re crying while driving…and if you have been to www.brokenheartedgirl.com then you know how I feel about crying while driving!

If you’ve been cheated on, stop listening to “Secret Lovers” by Atlantic Starr and start listening to “Breathe” by Maroon 5.

If you were with a man that you were going to get married to, stop listening to “Endless Love” by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie and start listening to “Miss Independent” by Kelly Clarkson.

If you were broken up with a man who continues to spread rumors and speak badly about you in public, stop listening to every break up song that makes you cry and start listening to “Fighter” by Christina Aguilera.

Whatever your tune is when you’re broken hearted, you can begin to change that tune by changing your attitude. Hopefully listening to these songs will help you to put your mood and your relationship into perspective.

-MJ

One step forward…two steps back!

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

I was cruising a forum today when I read something interesting. A woman stated that “breaking up never happens in a straight line.”

That one sentence gave me such a visual that I felt compelled to write about it.

Imagine a line. One one side there is the word “Break Up.” Think of this as the start of a journey. In the middle there are blocks of time marked, Depression, Humiliation, Anger, No Contact (NC), Confrontation, Relationship Analysis (RA), Epiphany and Acceptance. On the other end of the line there is the word “Finish.” Imagine a finish line with a big ribbon hung inbetween two sticks, just as you would see in a marathon.

B.U.–Depr–Humltn–Angr–N.C.–Cnfrnt–RA–Ephiph–Accpt–>FINISH!

Think about the blocks in the line. You can skip one step forward toward “No Contact”, but then within a day or two, you might skip a few steps toward Humiliation (you sent him a sappy email that you now regret). Each block represents a step that one must survive in order to make it to the next block. Achieving the block’s goals, you move on to the next in a forward march toward getting over him.

Along the way toward the “finish line” You’ll dance around the line; you will even take some sideways steps completely off the line. Some of these sideways steps can happen when you find yourself in situations that you initially did not foresee. For example, you may see your ex and his new girlfriend while shopping at the grocery store. Suddenly you find yourself on a new block marked Jealousy. Jealousy was never one of your blocks on the line. The next thing you know you are on a new step completely off the line between Anger and No Contact.

B.U.–Depr–Humltn–Angr–N.C.–Cnfrnt–RA–Ephiph–Accpt–>FINISH!
……………………………\……./……………………………….
………………………….JEALOUSY………………….

It is your choice then whether to move forward from this unexpected block to push yourself through No Contact, or to move backward once again toward Anger.

Getting over someone is NOT a straight line. You will end up on and off the line in somewhat untimely intervals. The important thing to keep in mind is that moving forward is your goal. Getting to the finish line IS YOUR ULTIMATE SALVATION. Perhaps using this visualization will help you to get there more quickly.

Create a line of your own and diagram it in your journal Broken Hearted Girl. Customize the steps to reflect your own breakup stages.

Try to keep on the path as much as you can, but forgive yourself for the times you take steps backward on your way toward recovery & healing.

Once you get to the finish line, you can break through the ribbon with a triumphant scream of “I’m OVER you!” and begin your love life anew.

-MJ

Relaxation Technique Potpourri

Dear broken hearted girl,

We scoured the internet for quick relaxation techniques that you can perform when you’re crunched for time.

(1) Warm your hands & feet:

-Generally stess causes one to feel chilly. Dipping your feet in warm water, or wrapping your hands around a warm cup of tea can comfort your body & mind and revive your spirit.

(2) Put a pencil in your mouth – don’t bite down though!:

-According to experts, putting a pencil inbetween your chops is an easy way to relax facial muscles. You know how your forehead wrinkles when you’re frazzled? This exercise will help you to loosen up that forehead!

Use this quick & easy techniques during the day when you’re feeling the everyday pressures of life.