Ask MJ: “I Want Validation. Am I Missed?”

Dear MJ,

Here’s my issue with NO CONTACT.

 

Recently about a month and six days ago (but who’s counting?) my boyfriend, who was a major loser from the jump, (ex-felon, lazy, narcissistic, but charming) just went MIA after a petty argument. He said some evil things to me via text and from that moment on I decided to do NO CONTACT. I didn’t call or beg him for an explanation. I suffered in my own silence. I just couldn’t bear one moment of me feeling weak or him knowing how much I care.  I had to make him feel like he wasn’t a King.

 

I deactivated my FB account after about a week of not speaking, he saw me online and logged off then posted some subliminal evilness…”when you have something and you lose it, you cant get it back”.  After that, I blocked him and took the time to heal or suffer some more because that comment had me depressed for weeks..I mean I almost had a nervous breakdown from the swift change in the relationship to him not being there, despite him being a major douche. I mean he logged off like we were never together..like he never knew me.

 

PROBLEM:

Even if I know that he wasn’t on my level and probably just wanted to use me etc… I still wish he would text or call. VALIDATION…Yes I know. No contact is for me but I wish I knew that in some way he is affected by my No Contact. That I caught him by surprise because I’m showing that I don’t care. SMH…I will never know what’s going on in someone’s mind, but I just wish I knew if he had forgotten about me. Am I missed?  At this point in my life – especially after how he ended it – I shouldn’t care, but I do. 

-AS

Dear AS,

In my vast experience, people don’t just “forget” you. If you were with him for a bit of time & intimate with him, I’m pretty sure you made an impression. The thing is, it sounds like he’s just as stubborn as you are.

Your ex was, in your own words, a major loser who is an ex-felon, lazy and narcissistic. It baffles me as to why you would need ANY sort of validation from this joker whatsoever. And honestly, the “subliminal evil” he posted should be enough for you to know that you not speaking with him DOES, indeed, bother him. However, if he’s totally narcissistic like you say, then you know that texting him or calling him would just feed into his narcissism and give him validation that YOU miss him. And we don’t want that. Right now, you have the upper hand. If you ever run into this kid again, you can do it with your head held high. You didn’t beg. You didn’t text him. You just said, “You want to break up? Fine. I’ll get over you with dignity.” You should be proud of yourself.

The boy is indifferent. You can basically throw a penny and hit any number of men who will treat you with indifference. And you’ll end up with the same result. You’ll feel used & you’ll feel like you wasted your time on someone who never took you seriously or treated you well. Trust me. I’ve been there too.

So what you need to do is figure out WHY in the first place you would choose to date such a loser. Was it because he was hot? Was it because he was charming? Don’t you think you’d do better to date UP instead of dating down? You know, dating someone who can intellectually stimulate you, who makes you laugh, who makes you feel secure – someone you’d be PROUD to introduce to your parents? Were you in a vulnerable position when you met your ex – is that why you let yourself date him?  That’s the real question. I understand that you’re lonely and you feel like he has forgotten about you because he hasn’t reached out – that’s normal – but I wonder more about why you want THIS particular narcissistic ex-felon to provide you with validation? If I were you, I’d be thanking my lucky stars that he’s no longer in my life and I am free to meet someone on my level or above. Whether or not he wanted to “use” you has nothing to do with it. This is more about you than it is about him. I hope you realize that.

You sound smart. And you’ve done everything right. Unfortunately, a month isn’t all it takes to shake free of someone completely. It takes time, but it also takes work. So figure out why this particular douchebag meant to so much to you. Make some goals for yourself for the future. Stick to them. Let the clock tick and the days go by. Wake up every day feeling proud of yourself for sticking to No Contact. And live your life. As soon as you meet someone better – someone that you’re interested in – I promise you that you’ll be kicking yourself for ever dating this guy in the first place. Don’t give in and break No Contact. Just keep moving forward. He’s not worth it. You’ll understand that as time ticks by. Make sure your email me when you do meet someone new. And make sure that he’s not a lazy, narcissistic, ex-felon.

Feel better,

MJ

Do you have a question for MJ? Email her at admin@brokenheartedgirl.com. Or, post your problem on our forum at http://www.BrokenHeartedGirl.com and our community of broken hearts will help you through it!

How To Break Up With Someone Over The Phone

I don’t advocate breaking up over the phone if you’ve been with for someone more than a few months. However, there are situations in which you date someone, it starts to go badly and at least one party loses interest. If the other party does not realize that they have lost your interest, they may end up calling, texting, and emailing to find out what they did wrong, or to try to make plans, etc.,  Chances are that you have either avoided all of these messages, or have half-heartedly responded to some saying that “You’re very busy with work.”

So instead of being a jerk and allowing this poor person to wallow in misery, whether or not they deserve it, you should put yourself in this person’s shoes. Chances are you’ve already been there. So what are you waiting for? Pick up the phone and break up with him. Here’s how:

Gather your Thoughts: Write down your reasons for the breakup. Is she boring? Lazy? Too interested in Dungeons & Dragons? Has he been caught in a lie recently?  Make a list to help guide you through your conversation.

Avoid Clichés: You know exactly what I’m talking about.  Don’t patronize someone or attempt to placate their anger by saying:

• “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
• “I like you, but I’m just not ready to date right now.” 
• “I think we’re just meant to be friends.”
• “You want more than I can give you at this time.”

Tell the Truth: Okay, so possibly only me and a handful of other women are capable of doing this, but I feel that if you tell someone why you’re breaking up with him/her, or why you don’t wish to date him/her, it’ll help the person in future relationships. Here are some examples I’ve gotten from other people. I picked them because they go from vague to specific:

• I think you’re great, but I just didn’t feel a spark or anything when we kissed.
• I am attracted to you, but we really have nothing in common. (Then get specfic) I was talking about television and you don’t even own a television. I can’t have a girlfriend who doesn’t watch television.
• I thought it was just a “friends with benefits” situation. I didn’t mean to lead you on.
• You are very clingy and I need more personal space than you can offer. (Then get specific) You can’t just show up at my office for lunch every day when we don’t have plans.
• You seem to be very immature and I’m looking for a potential wife.
• I decided to get back with my ex-boyfriend (this could be a cliche’, but if it’s true, then do tell!).
• The few times we’ve gone out, you have leered at other women. I’m not just saying you have “checked out” other women, but you have actually turned your head all the way around to follow someone walking around the room. That’s creepy.
• I don’t like it when you invite me on a date and 9 times out of 10 ditch me for “better” plans.
• You talk with your mouth open, burp in public and make potentially racist jokes.  So, although you’re good in bed, I am embarassed to be seen with you.

Sit with a Friend: If you’re the type of person who freaks out over confrontation (and you know who you are!), then ask a friend to sit in the room with you while you conduct the breakup over the phone. It may sound childish, but it’s way more mature than avoiding someone’s phone calls because you’re too afraid to pull the trigger.

Call from an Appropriate Environment: Whether you’re with a friend or on your porch, do make sure that you’re in a quiet area and that you have at least half an hour to devote to the call.  It’d be rude to break up with someone while you’re, say, on a train and about to go into a tunnel. If you’re going to give the person the courtesy to call and break up, then you may as well give them the courtesy to listen to what she/he has to say.  It’ll be over before you know it and you can move on with your life. Besides, constructive criticism goes both ways, so they may or may not tell you something about yourself that you can take into (or leave out of) a new relationship.

Make the Call.  Here’s how it should go: 

• Say Hello.
• Tell the person why you’re calling (to break up).
• Let the person know that you respect them enough to call (even if you don’t respect them and you’re just trying to make them stop calling you).
• Tell them why you’re breaking up.
• Leave it open for questions/yelling.
• End the call with the fact that you’re sorry it didn’t work out. Then say, “Take Care.” DO NOT SAY “Good Luck.”  That just makes you sound like a tool.

Here’s an example: ”Hello. This is Jessica. I am sorry I haven’t called, but I’ve been thinking it over and I don’t think you and I are right for one another.  I am not good at these sorts of things, but I respect you enough to call you. So, remember the other night when you invited me for a quiet dinner and all of your friends showed up and it turned into a Frat Party with Keg Stands?  Well, I was surprised at how crazy you got, considering you’re 30 years old and I really didn’t think that I’d spend our second date taking care of you while you vomited all night.  I understand that things get out of hand sometimes, but you made a bad impression on me and I’d rather not date anymore.”

Then let him say everything he wants to say.

Then end with, “Well, I’m  sorry it didn’t work out. It was very nice to meet you. Take care.”  

And that’s it.  If you’re lucky, you can be off the phone in 5 to 10 minutes. But sometimes, the person will get mean (especially if you’ve been mean) and it’ll take longer.  

And if you’re the person who has been broken up with, then visit BrokenHeartedGirl.com to talk about it!

Solid Tips to Help You Move On

1) Throw yourself a pity party. Get some ice cream and eat your heart out, then get sentimental and cry your eyes out. It’s actually good for you. A recent study published in Current Directions in Psychological Science, shows that after crying, your breathing and heart rate slows, which puts you into a relaxed state. So let it all out! It’ll help.

 2) Erase. Don’t chase. Delete your ex’s number from your phone, text messages, emails, IM-buddy list, Facebook and any other social networking sites. The less contact you have with your ex, the less anxiety you’ll feel and the sooner you’ll heal.

3) Rally the troops. Give friends and family the green light to visit you at home, or accept their invites to go out. And while you’re with them – talk to them. A recent study by the University of Michigan shows that social interaction can help curb depression.

4) Join an online support network. Sign up for a support site like the one at BrokenHeartedGirl.com where you can share your story with other women who are experiencing the same pain or have overcome it. Giving and receiving advice can push open the doors to healing.

5) Drive past your past. When thinking about it doesn’t seem to be enough, hop in your car and drive by your former ex-boyfriend’s house, work, or places you used to hang out. You know, the jerk from a few years ago that you thought you’d never get over? Drive by and when you get there, take a moment to remember what it took to get over him. Then apply that strength to your current situation. Sometimes you have to drive by your past so you can move toward the future.

6) Don’t self-destruct. Reconstruct:

• Work extra hours at your job to get that promotion you’ve always wanted.
•  If you hate your job, update your resume and start applying for a new one.
•  Go back to school.
• Volunteer. Do something that you’re passionate about.
•  Indulge in a hobby.

7) Put yourself out there: Qualifier – I am NOT saying to start dating right away! But while you’re getting over your heartache, you can put your picture up on a dating site. The inquiries you get from potential dates will make you feel attractive and desirable to the opposite sex, plus you’ll get rid of that feeling that “I’ll never meet anyone again.” When you’re over your ex, answer a few of the inquiries. Mr. or Ms. Right may be right around the corner.

8) Beat depression with a notebook. Use a guided journal like The Breakup Workbook, or simply grab a notebook and start with a pro/con list and go from there. A journal can show you where you’ve been and can be the place where you draw up the plan that gets you where you want to go.

9) Stick to a routine. Emotional upset can seriously mess with your daily routine. Set your alarm and wake up at the same time every day. Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. No skipping meals! Put aside time to pamper yourself. Go to bed by a specific time. The more structure you have in your life, the easier it will be to stay healthy and positive.

10) Ask for help. If you’re having difficulty accepting the breakup, or you feel that depression is taking over your life, seek a therapist. If your insurance plan doesn’t cover it and money is tight, check online or call your local hospital for a list of free mental health services or support groups. Some therapists have a sliding scale. And if none of that works, you can always call a toll-free hotline from the comfort of your own home.

He flirts online. Is this relationship salvageable?

Dear MJ,

Im in a break up situation also. guy i was with could not marry me after 4 years as he was not ready. I moved out after 3rd year. my first long term relationship and love. I caught him flirting online and via email and sms a few times. Promised to stop each time and made a bigger issue of me invading his privacy (not my fault his skype was on auto on and all the girls comments came through automatically when i used his pc). He went out alone often or with his friends saying i should clean or its boys only. He used to sometimes forget his wallet when on a date and i paid. He had reasonable explanations for everything. He loves strip clubs. I dont like that but i forgave him as I love him very much. I have a troublesome family and demanding parents and he is a wonderful support and friend. He is ambitious and charming and lovely. Not sure if as he says-i caused him to flirt. I think my biggest fear is i catch him cheating if we ever married. I love him to bits and in our last year he has said he misses having me in his company as often as before and has stopped flirting and tamed down. But counsellors say these people dont change. I want to beleive they do…am i being silly? My family never thought badly of him but decided he was no good for me and put their foot down a few weeks ago and say i must move on. But i miss him too. I wonder if any of this is fixable. Im an accounting person by trade and profession and know nothing about emotions and people etc. Just numbers. Im so confused. Must i give up? Is there no hope? Why does it hurt? The biggest crush is we did plan to marry and i built my life around him. He backed away when my parents asked him if he was going to marry me and when. He says nobody can rule his life for him. And pretty much backed away a bit. Im hurt that he was not brave enough to tell my parents. Maybe he was not serious? I told them he wanted to marry me but they wanted to hear from him. This has been going on so long i dont know if the situation is salvagable. If it is worth it considering the flirtatious nature? I wish God would just write me a letter with all the answers. Im not noticing the signs or answers he is sending…

-Accounting Girl

 

Dear AG,

So, let me get this straight:

• When you were on his computer, you caught him repeatedly speaking with/flirting with other women. While you were LIVING with him.
• When you asked him about it, he blamed you, saying YOU caused HIM to flirt. Then further went on to lecture you about invading his privacy, even though the comments were streaming and you never went into his voicemail, email or checked his text messages?
• He went out with the boys and told you to stay home and clean. (Are you kidding me? Is this the 50′s?).
• Your family does not approve of him and even went so far as to tell you so.

And you built your life around this boy and ‘love him to pieces?’

 You said that you can’t read the signs, but you can! You just wrote down some of the reasons why he is no good for you. And instead of reading the signs, you are making up excuses for him. Probably because you don’t want to be left alone. And that’s understandable – nobody wants to be alone.

I’m not sure how old you are or if this is your first big relationship. Your parents got involved, so I would think that perhaps you are in your low to mid-20′s. If you’re older and they still got involved, then that means that they absolutely DETEST this guy and want him out of your life. And I don’t blame them. However, that doesn’t mean that what they did was right. It isn’t any of their business, but they care for you. And they only want what is best for you.

I think that you are simply dating an ambivalent man who thinks the sun rises and sets only for him. I think that he has really taken you for granted and – even though he said he was ready to settle down – he is not really ready to. If he was, then he would have stayed with you despite your family’s meddling.  I know what it’s like to have a nutty family and if your b/f understood how they were and really supported you when you had problems with them, then he would have stuck around and chalked the “marriage conversation” up to the fact that they do this kind of stuff all the time. Instead, he used it as an excuse to leave. 

It seems like he has A LOT of excuses.

You, my friend, are a woman who loves too much. There’ s a book out there by Robin Norwood called “Women Who Love Too Much.” I think that it may help you to check it out from the library and read it. I also think that if you get that and The Breakup Workbook, we can help you not only deal with the breakup, but get you to a healthy point where you can start to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart and move forward. 

The signs are all there, sweetie. He is not a good guy. I suggest you do whatever you can to move forward. Don’t talk to him for a few weeks. Take time out from this situation and see where your head is. You may find that life is more peaceful when you don’t have to constantly worry about where he is or who is speaking with online. Or, he may realize what life is like without you and really, really, try hard to win you back and really, really try hard to change.

I’m not sure what’s in the cards for you, but you have some serious relationship evaluation to do. I think that coming to this blog and writing it all out is a GREAT first step. Now keep doing the work to figure out how you want your life to end up. Do you want to be married to a great guy whom you can trust, who loves YOU to pieces, who takes you with him instead of telling you to stay home and clean and who only goes to strip clubs when it’s a friend’s bachelor party? Or do you want to be with this dude that your family doesn’t even like?

It’s up to you. It’s YOUR life. 

Take care,

MJ

If you need relationship advice, please email MJ at admin@brokenheartedgirl.com. We’ll do our best to respond within 48 hours.  Also, if you don’t wish to have your post read by the public, we will keep it private. All that we ask is you spread the word about The Breakup Workbook.

What do you do when your boyfriend goes on vacation and doesn’t contact you?

Someone wrote to me about this, but didn’t want her email posted. But in a nutshell, she said that her boyfriend went on vacation to Vegas and has not called her for 3 days. She said that he generally calls her at least once a day and she is concerned. She has left him several voicemails and text messages, but has not received a return call. Should she call his hotel room? Or his mom? Or leave it alone?

So, this one time, I was dating this guy. And we were just starting to date and this is when I was a little nuts. And I pretty much was skittish about dating and at the time, I just was like – “If a guy treats me terribly, I’m done!” So he went away to Lake Tahoe and he didn’t call me for the entire week that he was there. I called him one time and texted him one time and figured that he was no longer interested. I ended up Fed-Ex-ing all of the stuff he left at my house and left him a note that was like, “Hey. You didn’t call. I feel like you’re not interested. Peace.”

BIG MISTAKE!

The guy’s phone had no reception and he said he tried to text me, but to no avail. I felt like he could have called me from his hotel room…but then realized that was a lot to ask, since technically he wasn’t my boyfriend. Anyway, I tried to work it out, but he wasn’t having it. I acted like a crazy person and I totally understand why he was no longer interested.

But back to the girl whose boyfriend is in Vegas… 

Have you ever been to Vegas? It’s crazy. There are slot machines, and dancing, and drinking and partying…it’s crazy fun and you generally don’t sleep at all. Since you said you have been together for 3 years, I think that he’s probably just enjoying himself and enjoying his vacation. Maybe he has lost his phone. Maybe it is dead. You don’t know.

I would say, don’t do what I did. Don’t overreact. If you trust him, then I’m sure everything is fine. If you have reason not to trust him, then I would be a little worried. But there’s nothing you can do about it right at this very moment. Don’t call the hotel because you’ll seem needy. If something happened to him, I’m sure his mom would have called you, since you’ve been around for 3 years now.

When he gets back, TALK to him. IN PERSON! Don’t freak out. Be calm. Just tell him that you feel upset and concerned that he did not bother to call you. Ask him why he didn’t call. Listen to his answer. If you’re not satisfied, ask him the tough question: Did he cheat on you? 

Just don’t do what I did and freak out before you even know the story. Relationships are about communication. So communicate!

Take care,

MJ

Why did she really break up with me?

Dear MJ,

I have a strange break up here that maybe you can help me to clear up. She ended up breaking up with me because we both have very busy schedules and her schooling is extremely important to her, I work 50+ hours a week, she assured me that it wasn’t anything I did and that she’d end up regretting doing it, but that she’d stress herself out trying to be a good girlfriend and give me the attention I deserve, while working a full-time job 40-45 hours a week, plus full-time college. I asked her if it was someone else, but her reply was that if she didn’t have the time to spend with me how would she have the time to spend with someone else? It was strange, a few days before that she felt I wasn’t trying as hard as she was and that with school starting she was afraid we wouldn’t have the time to spend together, she said it felt like we were married……but a lot of stuff had happened, I had just moved so I was broke, we hadn’t been out out on a date in a few weeks, and we hadn’t had sex in over a month, not either of our faults, just our schedules and stuff. 

I ensured her I’d do my best to make more time for her and start trying harder, so I did. I sent a couple more texts than usual to her asking her about her day, I made an effort to stop by her work and see her, I let her know my work schedule so we could work something out. But when I started doing that stuff, that’s when she stopped saying “I love you” she would only say it if I said it first, she would only occasionally text me, etc. I mean it was like a complete role reversal, but I just tried to do what she asked for?

 I mean I handled the break-up surprisingly well and am doing great, but I do like her and care about her, I would like to attempt to get back together with her and am giving “us” a little break, by leaving her alone and let her sort things out. but I’m not sure whether I should try and get back together or if I read her correctly or what?

I mean I want to believe her that its just because of time, (shes the type that “needs” to spend time with that someone like 2-3 times  week) but I feel that if you really like someone you will “make” time for them, but on the other hand her schooling is really really REALLY important to her. I mean if anything I don’t see why we couldn’t be just a casual couple while she was in school, we made a great couple. I mean even if she does try to date someone else she’s still not going to have time for them with school and work. plus they will have school and work….. I don’t know, just a lot of unanswered questions that are running through my mind. I’m trying to reason everything out and figure out if I did something wrong so I can improve upon it for future relationships, but so far I’m stuck. (If you can’t tell I’m a perfectionist, I don’t like failing at anything, and if I do I want to learn from my mistakes so I don’t repeat them, so it is driving me nuts. lol) sorry for the story that you had to read but thanks for taking a moment to reply!

 

-TR

 

Dear TR,

I’m sorry that your relationship ended. That’s always hard to deal with and I think that so far you are handling it very well.

Initially, your ex-girlfriend hinted to you that she was going to break up with you. She said it felt like you were married. She then hinted that you weren’t trying hard enough and you wouldn’t have time to spend together. I don’t think she really wanted you to try harder. I think she was just trying to tell you what she was feeling. I think in her mind when she stated this, she was already in “breakup mode”, which is why when you did try harder she withdrew even more.

Your ex-girlfriend stated very plainly that she wanted to break up because she is super busy and because she doesn’t have time to be in a relationship. She said it was nothing that you did specifically and she cares about you, but that she needs to focus right now.

I don’t think this is much of a puzzle. You are trying to find even more answers to a simple issue. I don’t think you did anything wrong. It’s a question of timing. You didn’t have time to spend with one another and the relationship probably became like one more task she had to tick off in her incredibly busy schedule. It’s unfair to her and unfair to you.

Speaking of unfair, I think that’s why you’re searching for answers. It is a really unfair situation and you want to make it work despite the situation. She probably really cares for you and it’s unfair that she had to choose. It’s unfair that you both had to lose out on what could have been a great relationship – but it all comes down to timing. There is no time, so there is no relationship.

The best possible thing you can do right now is give her space and give yourself some time to heal. Later down the road, give her a call. Attempt to stay in her life. If this really is a question of timing, then perhaps when the time is right, you will get back together. But keep in mind that this may be years down the road when she is finished with college. And keep in mind that it may never be.
I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but sometimes you just have to take things at face value. I went to school full time and worked full time. It was very tough and I understand why she feels this way. Although it’s wonderful to be in love, when you’re trying to focus on something, love can sometimes be a hindrance instead of a help. If she were facing a hardship and broke up with you, I would question that because having a partner can make you stronger and help you deal with tough times. But she’s not dealing with a hardship. She’s trying to focus on school and juggle a million things. You can’t help her at her job and you can’t help her with her school work. But you can take her away from it – which is probably how she sees it.
If she wanted to have a casual relationship with you, then she would. But it sounds as if she doesn’t want any sort of relationship right now. You are going to have to respect that and move forward without her.

Again, I’m really sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find the strength to carry on as a single man and accept the situation for what it is.

-MJ

 

If you have a dating or breakup question for MJ, email admin@brokenheartedgirl.com with as many details about the stuation as possible – including your age, so we can give age-appropriate advice.

Is He Interested in Me or Not?

Dear MJ,

I’ve been dating this guy for two months. At first he always called me and wanted to hang out. But now when I call he says he is busy and to call back later. Usually he says, “Call me after work tomorrow.” And usually when I do that, he doesn’t even get back to me for a few days. He always says that we’ll make plans, but when we do he usually cancels, or he changes them. I haven’t seen him in about 3 weeks now. I asked him if he was still interested and he said yes. So I’m still holding onto hope that he is. But if he’s not, I want to know that too. What do I do? Is he interested or not?

Mirabelle

 

 

If you need any advice, feel free to email MJ at admin@brokenheartedgirl.com. Every question will be answered, although all will not be featured on our blog.

My Fiance Still Wants to Be Friends? What Do I Do?

Dear MJ -

My fiance of 3 years broke up with me – well it was a mutual breakup – and he still wants to be friends. I care for him very much, but I know that to get over him, I can’t be his friend. We have talked every single days since we met and I don’t know how to get along without him. I can’t just cut all contact. I don’t know what to do?! Do you have any advice?

Julie.

 

What changed? Is he no longer interested?

Dear MJ (in response to – should I just have agreed to an arranged marriage?)

I have had a similar experience but in the reverse situation . It was an arranged introduction. Though I have been in the US for many years , my family is very orthodox and I knew I’d end up having an arranged marriage. I have been talking to few people recently and I started talking to this one particular guy. We really hit it off  and we’ve been emailing /talking for 3 months and then met up recently.. our first meeting was a great weekend together .. though we have never finalized our future plans .. we continued to talk almost on a daily basis though both of us have very busy jobs… and then suddenly he is not returning my calls. .. finally I texted and he just replied saying he’s busy and had been meaning to call .. I don’t understand what has brought this change of behavior.

I am confused and hurt cause I really liked this guy and I really want to know what changed but I am not sure what to do next.. i really thought this could be it .. so I really want to know what went wrong but I don’t know if calling or emailing and asking for a reason is appropriate??

Should I just let it go?? Maybe there is some misunderstanding .. I tend to be a ‘lil sarcastic and hide my feelings.  I’m afraid he may think im not interested .. so confused.

D.G.

Dear D.G.,

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through something like this. It’s tough when you like someone and they seem to like you too…only to end up with the person totally falling off the face of the earth, citing strange excuses. It is confusing and hurtful. You have every right to be upset.

This kind of thing - although it was an arranged meeting by your parents - happens all the time. Things are going well and then…well…nothing. It could mean that he has met someone else or has changed his mind about you. But it can also mean that he is seriously considering marriage and needs some time to himself to ponder it. It’s counterproductive to your relationship, but some guys are just like that.   

So let’s do this:

-Stop and think about your last conversation before he started to pull away. Or even your last few conversations. What transpired?  How did it end? Was something a little bit “off”? Grab a piece of paper and write down your thoughts.

-What was the ultimate goal of this arranged meeting? Had you discussed a timeline about a decision on marriage? Or was this more like a “blind date?” Reflect on this too.

-Write down what you actually liked about him. Why is he “the one?” What are some negatives about him? The idea behind this exercise is to ground yourself and get a clear picture about the guy before you decide to call.

-Take a few days off. This means don’t contact him – no email, no text, no phone calls, no IM. Leave all the electronic portals alone. Even if he calls you, give it at least one day before you return his call. This will put him in the same frame of mind in which you are at this very moment…wondering where you are and what you’re doing.  Waiting one day is not cruel. Just let his message go to voicemail and listen to it. Unless it’s an emergency…hold off.

-Finally – Talk to him. You have written down things that could have gone wrong during your last few meetings and you have taken a few days for yourself. Now it’s time to call. (Normally I would say to meet in person, but it sounds as if you live far away from one another). And, I know it’s hard, but gather your strength and consider all of the information you learned about yourself over the past few days. Remind yourself that you are searching for a husband. If he is not the one, then remind yourself that you have plenty of options and you now have the chance to meet your true soul mate. Then take a deep breath and simply ask him if he is having second thoughts about you. Explain to him that you do like him and enjoy his company, but if he is not feeling the same, it’s okay. You just need to know so you can continue to look for a new mate.

It’s plain. It’s simple and it’s non-confrontational. And when he asks where it stems from (and he might), tell him that you have not been speaking as often and you are just confused. Leave it up to him to respond.

If you truly care about him, you will find the guts to have this conversation. It is a hard conversation to have, but you absolutely cannot marry someone without this kind of communication. Relationships are full of “ups and downs,” so go for it! The answer may hurt you, but it will also open you up to begin to speak with new potential husbands.  

Take care,

-MJ

If you have a question for MJ, email admin@brokenheartedgirl.com with as much detail as you can stand to write!

I know he is bad news. Why can’t I quit calling him?

Dear MJ:

 

my ex cheated on me, he had a whole other relationship while with me. i had a feeling and found out i was right. i mean a full blown relationship. the day i found out, i moved out (we lived together). However, he is my first bf, and only at this point, my first love. so it was really hard for me to cut ties. so after we have been seperated about 8 months, he gets arrested. he is in a lot of serious trouble, and will most def be doing prison time, lots of it. however, i still talk to him (he is out on bail). so i didn’t really know how to deal with this whole criminal thing, so i began to shy away. to spite me, he gets back with the girl he cheated on me with! he tells me she is better than me. why do i care so much! i want him out of my life, i want to forget him, i want to stop caring about him, i want to stop loving him. however, my heart won’t let me. i know he is bad news, but why can’t i quit calling him?? any advice??

 

- Help!

 

 

 

Hey girl. I’m sorry this happened to you. Being cheated on and lied to is bad enough, but add the fact that he had another girlfriend for a very long time and I can see why you immediately moved out.

 

Your problem is that instead of cutting ties as you should have, you have held on to the notion that he *really* cares about you and will change. This is your first serious relationship and it makes sense that you want to “fix it,” but at the same time, everything you’re doing is to your own detriment: You’re not getting anything out of this relationship, while he is gaining everything from it. Think about it: he’s lonely, so you’re offering attention. He needs sex, so chances are, you slept with him after you broke up with him. He is a criminal – about to do hard time, and you’re standing by him – even though he’s with another woman and is telling you that YOU’RE no good.

 

Apparently, you’re the one that’s ‘no good’ while he’s going to jail and has, once again, destroyed your self-esteem by choosing another person over you. This guy sounds SO wonderful. Really. I can see why you can’t let him go (yes, that’s sarcasm).

 

It’s not easy to just let someone go, but you have to start somewhere. First of all, read this post pretending you didn’t write it, but that your little sister wrote it (if you don’t have a sister, imagine it’s a teenager that came to you for help). Then respond in kind with the advice that you’d give her.

 

Secondly, I noticed that you’re asking “why” you can’t stop calling him, as opposed to asking “how” you can stop calling him. To answer your WHY question, I’d say it’s because (1) being with him is a habit – a bad habit – but a habit nonetheless (2) you haven’t let him go and because he’s still in your life and reaching out to you, you feel like he really cares about you and that there’s still a chance that he’ll change – and honey, he doesn’t give a damn about you – he’s selfish and is using you and you know that. (3) you have never been with anyone else, so you can’t allow yourself to imagine being with someone else – – and seriously, ANYBODY else would be better than this guy.

 

Now we get to the “how.”

 

(1)   Start a journal (or get The Breakup Workbook) and begin writing down all of the bad things he has ever done to you. Add to the list as you think of more things over time.

 

(2)   Since you’ll still be calling him and probably won’t quit cold turkey, I want you to write down how you’re feeling after each and every conversation. I’d imagine after the last conversation you had, you feel pretty low and ugly. Write it down.

 

(3)   BEFORE you call him or answer his calls, I want you to read every single page of what you’ve written. Don’t just do it once. Do it EVERY SINGLE TIME, no matter how inconvenient it is, BEFORE you call him. You’ve got ‘forgive and forget’ syndrome with an emphasis on the ‘forget.’ I want you to read these pages in your journal to remind yourself why you shouldn’t speak with him.

 

(4)   Put yourself online. Include a flattering picture and a description of yourself. You don’t have to date any of these men, but if you can just allow yourself to see for yourself how many men (GOOD MEN!) would be interested in dating you, then maybe it will help ease the transition. And honestly, maybe you’ll meet someone online that you’d actually want to go on a date with. You never know until you try. A free dating site is http://www.OKCUPID.com. I have used this site before and like I said, it’s FREE. It’s also time consuming because it’s filled with quizzes and games and the like – which is great because since you’re feeling so awful, it’ll give you something to do other than sitting around trying to figure out an excuse to call your ex.

 

If you follow the advice, it will help you. Don’t just read it. DO IT. And finally, if that doesn’t work – go visit him in jail when he lands there. Seeing all the other losers in jail may just make you take notice of what a LOSER he is. Think of your future: Who wants to have kids with someone who has been in jail – doing serious time? How do you even explain it to your children? If you ever decide to have children with a man in the future, wouldn’t you want it to be with a man they can look up to? A role model?

 

You’re going to be fine. You just need to separate yourself from him and get to a point where you understand that there’s so much more out there than this crappy situation. You can be happy again if you allow yourself to be. You know what you have to do. Now get out there and do it!

 

Feel better,

MJ

 

Do you need relationship advice? Email MJ at admin@brokenheartedgirl.com.