Why Didn’t I Just Listen To My Gut?

“I knew this would happen!”

Have you ever said that to yourself after a relationship has ended? I have. You have a gut feeling about someone and you still decide to ignore it anyway and let yourself go down the road toward the inevitable firestorm that’s going to occur. And when everything blows up in your face, you second-guess every move you have ever made in regards to this relationship. Then, you wonder why you allowed it to happen in the first place.

“Why didn’t I see this coming?”

It’s not fair to blame yourself for not trusting your gut. Sometimes gut feelings are wrong, albeit rarely, and it’s okay to want to trust the person you’re dating; because without trust, a relationship can never blossom. If you set yourself up for failure from the get-go, then you’re not doing yourself any favors. In fact, you may be sabotaging what could be a wonderful experience.

“Why didn’t I just ask?”

But it’s when you see something that is clearly wrong and you choose to ignore it that you’re going to have a problem. This means that when there is an issue, you should address it and be very upfront about your feelings so you can get the answers you need from your partner. If your paramour is not paying attention to you and simply says it’s because of his/her job, then you need to evaluate that statement. If your partner is career-centric and everything takes a seat until he has free time to spend with you, or even text you, call your or email you, then you need to decide whether or not you can handle that in the long term. If you can’t, then explain your feelings and try to move forward as best you can. With or without your partner.

“I should have known.”

You can’t know everything about someone unless you ask. And if the person you’re with won’t engage with you and explain why they are acting the way they are, then you need to decide whether you want to be with someone who fails to communicate their feelings. Someone who can’t talk to you is not going to make for a good partner/wife/husband in a long-term relationship. And whenever you’re with someone, you should always try to weigh the pros and cons in terms of marriage or domestic partnership (if that’s where you want it to head).

“If only I had done things differently.”

Again, don’t blame yourself. I am guilty of not wanting to “rock the proverbial boat,” and have ignored issues that should have been addressed in past relationships. Or I have addressed issues seemingly endlessly, only to get the same non-descript answers. If you feel that you are consistently banging your head against the wall, then evaluate the relationship and take yourself out of it. What would you tell a friend if they were in the same situation?

It’s not always easy to talk about the hard stuff with your partner. And if you don’t even feel like you have a right to ask, or if you feel that asking is going to cause problems, then realize THAT’S a problem in itself. Speaking from experience, if you don’t feel that you can communicate your feelings to someone in person, or even on the phone and you’re only comfortable texting or emailing, then you’re really not as close as you think you are. Relationships are a two-way street. So try to do the hard thing and talk. If your partner isn’t talking, then trust your gut. Get out while you can and try to do it as gracefully as possible.

For more breakup tips and advice, check out BrokenHeartedGirl.com.

Solid Tips to Help You Move On

1) Throw yourself a pity party. Get some ice cream and eat your heart out, then get sentimental and cry your eyes out. It’s actually good for you. A recent study published in Current Directions in Psychological Science, shows that after crying, your breathing and heart rate slows, which puts you into a relaxed state. So let it all out! It’ll help.

 2) Erase. Don’t chase. Delete your ex’s number from your phone, text messages, emails, IM-buddy list, Facebook and any other social networking sites. The less contact you have with your ex, the less anxiety you’ll feel and the sooner you’ll heal.

3) Rally the troops. Give friends and family the green light to visit you at home, or accept their invites to go out. And while you’re with them – talk to them. A recent study by the University of Michigan shows that social interaction can help curb depression.

4) Join an online support network. Sign up for a support site like the one at BrokenHeartedGirl.com where you can share your story with other women who are experiencing the same pain or have overcome it. Giving and receiving advice can push open the doors to healing.

5) Drive past your past. When thinking about it doesn’t seem to be enough, hop in your car and drive by your former ex-boyfriend’s house, work, or places you used to hang out. You know, the jerk from a few years ago that you thought you’d never get over? Drive by and when you get there, take a moment to remember what it took to get over him. Then apply that strength to your current situation. Sometimes you have to drive by your past so you can move toward the future.

6) Don’t self-destruct. Reconstruct:

• Work extra hours at your job to get that promotion you’ve always wanted.
•  If you hate your job, update your resume and start applying for a new one.
•  Go back to school.
• Volunteer. Do something that you’re passionate about.
•  Indulge in a hobby.

7) Put yourself out there: Qualifier – I am NOT saying to start dating right away! But while you’re getting over your heartache, you can put your picture up on a dating site. The inquiries you get from potential dates will make you feel attractive and desirable to the opposite sex, plus you’ll get rid of that feeling that “I’ll never meet anyone again.” When you’re over your ex, answer a few of the inquiries. Mr. or Ms. Right may be right around the corner.

8) Beat depression with a notebook. Use a guided journal like The Breakup Workbook, or simply grab a notebook and start with a pro/con list and go from there. A journal can show you where you’ve been and can be the place where you draw up the plan that gets you where you want to go.

9) Stick to a routine. Emotional upset can seriously mess with your daily routine. Set your alarm and wake up at the same time every day. Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. No skipping meals! Put aside time to pamper yourself. Go to bed by a specific time. The more structure you have in your life, the easier it will be to stay healthy and positive.

10) Ask for help. If you’re having difficulty accepting the breakup, or you feel that depression is taking over your life, seek a therapist. If your insurance plan doesn’t cover it and money is tight, check online or call your local hospital for a list of free mental health services or support groups. Some therapists have a sliding scale. And if none of that works, you can always call a toll-free hotline from the comfort of your own home.

The Top 5 Worst Ways to Break Up with Someone

Breakups are hard on everybody involved. In today’s world of instant communication and social networking, it’s easy to write someone off without calling them or speaking with them face-to-face. But in doing so, you’re making yourself out to be a ”Class-A” jerk and you’re inviting a great deal of stress into your life. 

If you think about it, when you dump someone electronically, the dumpee ends up with a lot of questions - which usually leads to an immediate barrage of phone calls, voicemails, IM’s and emails.  Not to mention the fact that the person will probably show up at your house demanding answers.

Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but if you’ve been dating someone for over a month or more, you should avoid these breakup scenarios: 

(1) Text Message: Ask anybody and they know someone that has been dumped via text message. And you know what? Only the lowest of the low break up with their partners over text message. Imagine being with someone for months (or years!) only to glance at your phone one day and read, “It’s not working out. It’s over. Don’t call me.”  It’s impersonal, it’s rude and it’s insensitive. You are an even worse person if you do it while your partner is at work.

(2) Facebook: When you dump someone by a mass newsfeed on Facebook, you’re not only letting your ex know that you’re a coward, but you’re letting all of their friends and family know it too. When a person’s status goes from “In a Relationship” to “Single,” all of their friends on Facebook will be notified that he/she is ”No Longer in a Relationship.” Even worse, the person’s friends may find out before he/she does. 

(3) Instant Message: Unlike the text message, the minute you dump your partner over IM, you can block them from responding. And if your partner needs to know “why,” they can easily be locked out of the conversation. Don’t be surprised if you do this and end up with your ex on your doorstep.

(4) Conveying the Message through a Friend:  Seriously, what are you, in 7th grade or something?

(5) Email: This is last on the list because at least in an email you have the chance to give an explanation. But it still means you’re hiding behind your computer. When you finish a relationship this way, although you may be trying to “let the person down” easily with carefully chosen words, you’re still acting like a child. 

When you’ve been dating someone for an extended period of time, do your partner and yourself a favor: grow up and end the relationship on the phone or in person. Take the time to have a conversation about it so your ex can understand the reasons behind the breakup. It takes a great amount of courage to do it, but at least you can make a clean break, begin to pick up the pieces and move forward with your life. And although it’s uncomfortable because your partner will be devastated, may try to bargain with you (I can change!), or beg you to stay - in the long-run, having “the talk” will help them to get over you more easily/quickly. 

And if your partner cheated on you, hurt you physically, or did anything worse than that, feel free to ignore this advice.

Deductible Alimony Recapture

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Do you pay alimony? If you do, then you may need to figure out your taxes and find out if you’re liable for alimony recapture. Use this free calculator to see where you stand:

http://www.smartmoney.com/divorce/basics/index.cfm?story=alimonycalc

Feel better!

-MJ

Finances – How to increase your alimony

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

If you believe that you need increased alimony payments due to a change in circumstances of your lifestyle, you can apply for it. But you have the burden of proving “changed circumstances.” To see how you can do that, read the article below.

Feel better!

-MJ

From divorcesource.com

Who has the burden of proving a “change of circumstances” to obtain an increased alimony award?

The spouse who seeks an increase in alimony has the burden of proving “changed circumstances.” If a party proves a change of circumstances then the court will grant the parties the right to conduct limited discovery. Basically, the parties will then exchange tax returns, pay stubs, and a CIS. The moving party must also prove that the changed circumstances have substantially impaired his/her ability to support himself or herself.

If the court believes that the motion requesting an increase in alimony has merit, then it will schedule the case for a plenary hearing. A Lepis plenary hearing can be just as complicated and draining as a divorce case. The court will also issue a discovery order. Lepis hearings always seem to last forever. These cases are not as carefully scrutinized as the divorce cases are. It is not uncommon for a Lepis alimony case to be adjourned five or more times. The family courts are overwhelmed with all types of litigation, and they really can’t handle all of their volume of cases. However, before a court will grant a moving party a Lepis hearing, the moving party must convince the court that there are significant life events that justify increasing alimony. This is certainly not an easy burden to satisfy. The courts do not take motions that request an increase in alimony lightly. There must be compelling reasons(s) to justify increasing the amount or the length of an alimony award.

It’s the Thought That Counts

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Do you find yourself overthinking your relationship, or even worse, your breakup? Here’s some information you may find helpful.

Overthinking can wreck our emotional health, says Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., on the basis of her studies over the past decade. A professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, she provides answers to some common questions:

Do men ruminate too?

Women do it more than men, but that doesn’t mean that men don’t do it at all. And it takes on a different character. Our research suggests that men are more likely to ruminate about anger and angry situations, and it comes out as angry, grudge-bearing self-righteousness.

Women tend to focus much more on depressive and anxious themes: “What’s wrong with me that this person doesn’t like me? What did I do wrong?” And they focus on whether they can control something in the future, particularly with regard to relationships. “How can I keep my husband interested in me? How can I make sure that everybody likes me?”

How do you explain those differences?

We know that from a very early age girls are much more relationship-oriented than boys are. It’s socialized into us; it may even be programmed into us evolutionarily. Relationships are great fuel for rumination because interactions with others are always ambiguous; you never know exactly what the other person means or whether they’re being sincere. Investing too much of your self-worth in the approval of others provides an unstable source of self-esteem. That’s one major contributor to women’s tendency to ruminate more.

How does one develop into a ruminator? Do we learn it?

It can be socialized into people or we can be inclined to it by biological temperament. If you are encouraged to pay attention to your emotions and also given the message that there’s not much you can do about them, that contributes to being a ruminator. Boys are encouraged to do something about the situations that make them upset, girls are encouraged more to just think about the situations that make them upset. If biological temperament inclines you to be easily upset, that quite naturally leads to questions about “what’s wrong with me?” If on top of that you are not socialized to handle distressed feelings actively, then the two can strongly contribute to rumination.

How does that get set into the brain?

Research suggests that there are connections between nodes of the brain. Different memories and thoughts are connected by virtue of sharing an emotion, so that negative thoughts are connected with each other even when they have little to do with each other. Your boss yells at you-and you think about how fat you are. What connects them is unhappiness.

When you ruminate, you rehearse the connections between such thoughts and strengthen them, creating a spreading network whereby a whole complex of distressing thoughts becomes more easily aroused by just a little bit of negative mood. So the next time you’re upset not only do you think about your boss yelling at you and being fat but about how your mother treated your brother better than she treated you.

What effect does rumination have on relationships?

It undermines them in a couple of ways. Ruminators seek out other people for reassurance but they confront others constantly: “You don’t love me, you don’t care about me, what did you mean when you said that the other night?” Men particularly find this hard to deal with. It may lead to arguments or to the partner stalking off.

The other thing it can do is make a person excessively dependent and anxious about everything a partner or friend says or does, which again can drive them away. Our research shows that ruminators seek out social support from other people more than non-ruminators, but they actually get lower-quality social support because people get frustrated.

There’s such as thing as excessive reassurance seeking: “Do you love me? Do you really love me? I don’t know if you love me, do you really love me?” Eventually their partners get frustrated; they may try to hide it and be reassuring, but the ruminator notices the frustration and confronts them: “You say you love me, but you seem so irritable all the time and you’re getting more irritable. What’s the matter? What’s the matter with our relationship?” Eventually, there’s often a huge blowup.

Is rumination more toxic for women because of its effect on relationships?

Rumination is toxic in both men and women; it leads to depression and anxiety in both. It’s just that women are more prone to do it.

What has most surprised you in the research you’ve done on rumination?

We keep looking for what’s good about rumination. Over and over we find that it is immobilizing and impairs the quality of thinking.

Have we become too self-analytical?

Our data indicate that older adults are less prone to rumination than younger ones, suggesting that a cultural shift toward awareness of emotions may contribute. There’s been a huge shift in the last couple of decades from being very stoic and unaware of our feelings to being obsessed with them. The main theme of a huge amount of pop culture has been about getting in touch with your feelings and analyzing your past. That’s good to some extent, but a lot of us have taken it too far and we’ve become a bellybutton culture, hyperfocused on every twist and turn of our emotions, trying to analyze everything everybody says for its deeper meaning.

One thing that keeps people in the cycle of rumination is a sense that they’re incredibly profound and gaining tremendous insight. We actually find that by every measure, they’re doing a lousy job of problem solving. People need to recognize that it’s not a healthy process.

When does thinking get dangerous?

Self-analysis is a good thing-to a point. Just as the cell-splitting processes that contribute to cancer are not inherently bad-it’s dangerous when it gets out of control and becomes self-perpetuating-so with thinking about yourself and your emotions. Some of it is crucial to our understanding of who we are and how to behave. But when it takes up all the space in your brain, it’s malignant. We need to spot when self-analysis turns into rumination and gain skills for controlling it.

It’s in the danger zone when you start feeling increasingly hopeless and immobilized, when you’re getting feedback from others that you seem stuck and unable to deal with a situation and certainly when you are feeling chronically depressed and anxious. By then, however, you may need professional help.

Last Updated: April 2, 2003
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You are okay as you are.

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

My sister and I went shopping the other day. We were having a good time picking out clothes, laughing and joking the whole time, and then when we got to the dressing room, all of the laughter stopped. We spent probably the whole time looking in the mirror and showing our ‘flaws’ to one another. When certain clothes didn’t fit me because my boobs were too big, I complained. When certain clothes didn’t fit her because she’s shorter than the normal person, she complained. And let’s not forget the pointing out of cellulite.

Keep in mind that my sister is a size ZERO and I am a size 3/4. We both work out and take good care of ourselves. Most people would KILL to have our physiques…yet we still manage to find something wrong.

Crazy? Absolutely.

I thought about that all week long and kind of got mad at myself.

We need to stop comparing ourselves at the airbrushed supermodels. It’s not healthy. Men have seen ‘regular’ women naked (probably more than you and I have seen naked) and understand what a normal woman looks like. We all have cellulite, we all have pockets of fat somewhere and we all have stretch marks (well, a lot of us do). So don’t worry what you look like naked and for pete’s sake, DON’T compare yourself to supermodels. It’s not worth it.

So my sister and I have decided to concentrate on the body parts that we love. And when we try on clothes, we’ll feel lucky that even though we’re not PERFECT, PERFECT, we have it pretty good…and we’re healthy…which is the most important part!

Feel better!

MJ

Finding something perfect to wear is always a challenge. Say you are looking for some sexy lingerie but don’t want to go to a store to look through everything you can’t even try on anyway. Try shopping online for your lingerie. You can do it anytime and find something incredible, have it shipped right to your door and make sure it is right before you decide to keep it. I always feel better after shopping, especially when I can do it at home without any hassles.

Hogan Divorce Getting Ugly

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Here’s a trick you should look out for when you’re getting divorced. Check out this article from perezhilton.com :

Linda Hogan has asked a judge to freeze the Hulkster’s bank accounts!

She doesn’t want the former wrestler spending any of the money they got from the $10 million sale of their home.

But that’s just the tip of the iceberg!

Linda is accusing Hulk of trying to trick her into signing a post-nuptial agreement and other “legal shenanigans.”

Damn, we wish they were filming their reality show NOW!

I had never even heard of a post-nuptial agreement until today!

Feel better,

-MJ

Things to Consider Before Mutual Separation.

Dear BrokenHeartedGirl,

So you and your partner have decided to separate. And now you have to chart this new territory. If your separation is mutual and you and your partner are both interested in working on the relationship, then here are some things to consider:

1) Set a period of time for the separation. Be it 1 month or 6 months, agree on the length of time.

2) Figure out your love lives. If you’re really interested in working on the relationship, then agree to a NO DATING rule.

3) Go to counseling if you can both agree to it. If you’re going to work on the relationship, then a counselor can be a great facilitator to reaching that common goal.

4) Set some contact rules. If you’re going to be apart, then be apart. Only make phone calls when necessary. You’ll see one another at counseling every week, so take this time alone to grow.

Feel better!

_MJ

Post Divorce Mediation

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Here’s an article from the National Conflict Resolution Center. This is yet another way that you can sole your post-divorce problems without going through an expensive lawyer. If you’re having issues with children, parenting issues or spousal support, then please read on.

Feel better!

-MJ

What happens during post-divorce mediation?
Mediation sessions are informal but structured discussions guided by the mediator. Both parties are given the opportunity to speak without interruption, describing their view of the current issues for possible modification. The mediator structures the discussions to help clarify the issues and move toward an agreement. NCRC recommends that the parties separately consult with attorneys of their choice for legal advice regarding any issues addressed at the mediation.

What are the advantages of post-divorce mediation?
Mediation provides a unique opportunity to develop mutually acceptable outcomes tailored to the individual clients

It is convenient, cost effective, less stressful, informal, confidential, non-adversarial, and no court appearances.

Mediation sessions are arranged at mutually convenient times at sites throughout the County. Evening appointments are available.

What types of issues can be addressed in post-divorce mediation?
Issues that are important to the parties can be addressed, including scheduling time with the children, parenting issues, spousal support, child support, and financial issues.

What should I bring to post-divorce mediation?
The parties should bring a copy of any existing orders and Final Judgment, including the Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA). During the first meeting the mediator will work with the parties to determine what information will be needed for further sessions, such as personal income and expenses.

Will the mediators prepare legal documents?
Yes. The mediators will prepare or assist in the preparation and filing of documents required by the court. The mediators will not provide legal advice, but will provide legal information. The agreement reached in the mediation is called a Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA) and can be filed by the mediator.

Who are the mediators?
All NCRC divorce mediators are experienced family law attorneys with more than 30 hours of mediation training. NCRC staff provides supervision and continuing education. Clients may request a specific mediator from the panel listing or ask NCRC to make a selection for them.

How much does post-divorce mediation cost?
NCRC charges a one-time administrative fee of $100 per case payable at the first session.

NCRC charges $250 per hour for the time spent in the mediation session. A mediation session usually takes approximately two hours. The fees are split between the parties or as they otherwise agree. Most post-divorce issues can be completed in 1 to 3 sessions. Payment is due at the end of each session. Visa and Mastercard are accepted.

There is a fee for drafting the legal documents required to formally complete a stipulated order. The ‘document fee’ amount will be determined by the mediator based on the approximate time to prepare the order. When the mediator is ready to draft the order, he or she will request a ‘document fee’, which is due before the mediator begins.

If any court filing fees are due, the parties are required to remit those funds to NCRC. The mediator will be able to determine if such fees will be required after the first session.

NCRC requires a credit card guarantee of the first hour of the first appointment. Nothing is charged on the card unless an appointment is missed or not cancelled with at least 48 business hours notice.

How long does it take to schedule post-divorce mediation?
After both parties agree to participate in mediation, the first session can be scheduled within two weeks.

Do both spouses have to agree to post-divorce mediation before calling the National Conflict Resolution Center?
No. If either party is interested in mediation, our staff can contact the other party to discuss our services. However, both parties do not have to agree to the modification to benefit from the mediation process. If one partner is reluctant about or disagrees with the modification, the initial meeting may be to establish interim agreements and a time frame to reconvene to further evaluate the proposed modification.

Do parties need to hire their own attorneys?
Parties may choose to obtain legal, financial and other advice at any time in the mediation process. All parties are strongly encouraged to obtain a review of the MSA or the stipulated order by independent legal counsel prior to signing the MSA or the order. Attorneys are welcome to attend the mediation sessions to advise and counsel their clients with prior agreement of both spouses.

What is the role of the post-divorce mediator?
The role of the post-divorce mediator is to conduct a process which assists the parties in reaching mutually acceptable solutions, provide relevant legal information, help parties communicate productively on difficult issues, assist in generating options for resolving problems between parties, assist in developing terms of an agreement which are consistent with the principles of justice and fairness, discuss what might happen if the parties cannot reach an agreement in mediation and go to court or take other steps, and draft the stipulated order and file necessary documents.

It should be noted that the NCRC Post-Divorce Mediator will provide both parties with current, relevant legal information outlining the law applicable to their individual circumstances. The mediator will not advise the clients or make judgments on their behalf as to appropriate choices among those discussed during mediation. The mediator cannot provide legal advice to either party, because the mediator does not represent either one. The divorcing couple has control over any agreement made in the mediation process.