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Ask MJ: “I Want Validation. Am I Missed?”

16 Feb

Dear MJ,

Here’s my issue with NO CONTACT.
 
Recently about a month and six days ago (but who’s counting?) my boyfriend, who was a major loser from the jump, (ex-felon, lazy, narcissistic, but charming) just went MIA after a petty argument. He said some evil things to me via text and from that moment on I decided to do NO CONTACT. I didn’t call or beg him for an explanation. I suffered in my own silence. I just couldn’t bear one moment of me feeling weak or him knowing how much I care.  I had to make him feel like he wasn’t a King.
 
I deactivated my FB account after about a week of not speaking, he saw me online and logged off then posted some subliminal evilness…”when you have something and you lose it, you cant get it back”.  After that, I blocked him and took the time to heal or suffer some more because that comment had me depressed for weeks..I mean I almost had a nervous breakdown from the swift change in the relationship to him not being there, despite him being a major douche. I mean he logged off like we were never together..like he never knew me.
 
PROBLEM:

Even if I know that he wasn’t on my level and probably just wanted to use me etc… I still wish he would text or call. VALIDATION…Yes I know. No contact is for me but I wish I knew that in some way he is affected by my No Contact. That I caught him by surprise because I’m showing that I don’t care. SMH…I will never know what’s going on in someone’s mind, but I just wish I knew if he had forgotten about me. Am I missed?  At this point in my life – especially after how he ended it – I shouldn’t care, but I do. 

-AS

Dear AS,

In my vast experience, people don’t just “forget” you. If you were with him for a bit of time & intimate with him, I’m pretty sure you made an impression. The thing is, it sounds like he’s just as stubborn as you are.

Your ex was, in your own words, a major loser who is an ex-felon, lazy and narcissistic. It baffles me as to why you would need ANY sort of validation from this joker whatsoever. And honestly, the “subliminal evil” he posted should be enough for you to know that you not speaking with him DOES, indeed, bother him. However, if he’s totally narcissistic like you say, then you know that texting him or calling him would just feed into his narcissism and give him validation that YOU miss him. And we don’t want that. Right now, you have the upper hand. If you ever run into this kid again, you can do it with your head held high. You didn’t beg. You didn’t text him. You just said, “You want to break up? Fine. I’ll get over you with dignity.” You should be proud of yourself.

The boy is indifferent. You can basically throw a penny and hit any number of men who will treat you with indifference. And you’ll end up with the same result. You’ll feel used & you’ll feel like you wasted your time on someone who never took you seriously or treated you well. Trust me. I’ve been there too.

So what you need to do is figure out WHY in the first place you would choose to date such a loser. Was it because he was hot? Was it because he was charming? Don’t you think you’d do better to date UP instead of dating down? You know, dating someone who can intellectually stimulate you, who makes you laugh, who makes you feel secure – someone you’d be PROUD to introduce to your parents? Were you in a vulnerable position when you met your ex – is that why you let yourself date him?  That’s the real question. I understand that you’re lonely and you feel like he has forgotten about you because he hasn’t reached out – that’s normal – but I wonder more about why you want THIS particular narcissistic ex-felon to provide you with validation? If I were you, I’d be thanking my lucky stars that he’s no longer in my life and I am free to meet someone on my level or above. Whether or not he wanted to “use” you has nothing to do with it. This is more about you than it is about him. I hope you realize that.

You sound smart. And you’ve done everything right. Unfortunately, a month isn’t all it takes to shake free of someone completely. It takes time, but it also takes work. So figure out why this particular douchebag meant to so much to you. Make some goals for yourself for the future. Stick to them. Let the clock tick and the days go by. Wake up every day feeling proud of yourself for sticking to No Contact. And live your life. As soon as you meet someone better – someone that you’re interested in – I promise you that you’ll be kicking yourself for ever dating this guy in the first place. Don’t give in and break No Contact. Just keep moving forward. He’s not worth it. You’ll understand that as time ticks by. Make sure your email me when you do meet someone new. And make sure that he’s not a lazy, narcissistic, ex-felon.

Feel better,

MJ

MJ is not currently giving advice, however, you can post your problems on BrokenHeartedGirl.com and others who are going through the same thing can help you for free!

Why it’s important to keep your ex’s stuff for awhile before you give it back…

10 Nov

I broke up with my boyfriend of a year a couple of weeks ago. It has been a tough transition because I really didn’t want to break up with him…but I had to for my own good. If any of you have been in this situation, I’m sure you can understand. I really wanted to stay and work it out, but the more I tried, the less appealing working it out became.

Anyway, I have all of his stuff in a bag in my room and I thought that I’d just keep it until he decided he needed to pick it up, or until I decided to get in my car and drop it off at his place. I’m not ready to see him just yet, so it sits in my closet until that day arrives.

So today I grabbed my deodorant from the medicine cabinet and it ended up falling on the ground, spraying little white deodorant bits and pieces all over the floor. Irritated, I stared at the floor, wondering what my next plan of action would be. I was late for work as usual, so stopping at the store was not an option. And, I mean, I wasn’t about to go to work without deodorant!

And then I remembered! My ex left some deodorant over my place….so I dug around the bag…and sure enough, there it was! So I opened it, twisted the cap and lathered my pits in the cold jelly that is men’s deodorant. While I was waiting for the goopy jelly to dry (so different than my speed stick deodorant) I realized that I would end up smelling like him all day! What an idiot I am. So I started to grow sad…but then something happened. Before I could even begin to cry, I just started laughing. Seriously – the situation was so stupid that it was funny.

And so this morning, I laughed really hard for the first time in weeks – and it was all because I left my ex’s stuff in my closet instead of immediately returning it. And you know what, the smell has worn off like 8 hours later!

Will I return it soon? Maybe. I’ll let you know what happens!

Solid Tips to Help You Move On

4 Nov

1) Throw yourself a pity party. Get some ice cream and eat your heart out, then get sentimental and cry your eyes out. It’s actually good for you. A recent study published in Current Directions in Psychological Science, shows that after crying, your breathing and heart rate slows, which puts you into a relaxed state. So let it all out! It’ll help.

 2) Erase. Don’t chase. Delete your ex’s number from your phone, text messages, emails, IM-buddy list, Facebook and any other social networking sites. The less contact you have with your ex, the less anxiety you’ll feel and the sooner you’ll heal.

3) Rally the troops. Give friends and family the green light to visit you at home, or accept their invites to go out. And while you’re with them – talk to them. A recent study by the University of Michigan shows that social interaction can help curb depression.

4) Join an online support network. Sign up for a support site like the one at BrokenHeartedGirl.com where you can share your story with other women who are experiencing the same pain or have overcome it. Giving and receiving advice can push open the doors to healing.

5) Drive past your past. When thinking about it doesn’t seem to be enough, hop in your car and drive by your former ex-boyfriend’s house, work, or places you used to hang out. You know, the jerk from a few years ago that you thought you’d never get over? Drive by and when you get there, take a moment to remember what it took to get over him. Then apply that strength to your current situation. Sometimes you have to drive by your past so you can move toward the future.

6) Don’t self-destruct. Reconstruct:

  • Work extra hours at your job to get that promotion you’ve always wanted.
  •  If you hate your job, update your resume and start applying for a new one.
  •  Go back to school.
  • Volunteer. Do something that you’re passionate about.
  •  Indulge in a hobby.

7) Put yourself out there: Qualifier – I am NOT saying to start dating right away! But while you’re getting over your heartache, you can put your picture up on a dating site. The inquiries you get from potential dates will make you feel attractive and desirable to the opposite sex, plus you’ll get rid of that feeling that “I’ll never meet anyone again.” When you’re over your ex, answer a few of the inquiries. Mr. or Ms. Right may be right around the corner.

8) Beat depression with a notebook. Use a guided journal like The Breakup Workbook, or simply grab a notebook and start with a pro/con list and go from there. A journal can show you where you’ve been and can be the place where you draw up the plan that gets you where you want to go.

9) Stick to a routine. Emotional upset can seriously mess with your daily routine. Set your alarm and wake up at the same time every day. Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. No skipping meals! Put aside time to pamper yourself. Go to bed by a specific time. The more structure you have in your life, the easier it will be to stay healthy and positive.

10) Ask for help. If you’re having difficulty accepting the breakup, or you feel that depression is taking over your life, seek a therapist. If your insurance plan doesn’t cover it and money is tight, check online or call your local hospital for a list of free mental health services or support groups. Some therapists have a sliding scale. And if none of that works, you can always call a toll-free hotline from the comfort of your own home.

Why should I follow the “no contact” rule?

14 Sep

A lot of people ask me, “why should I follow the ‘no contact’ rule? When do I decide to start it? What does it do for me? What can I hope for it to accomplish in the end?” So I’m going to try to answer this question as best as I can, given the knowledge I’ve gained from speaking with literally thousands of broken hearts all around the world.

When should I start “no contact”? Start it if you:

  • Call, text or email him relentlessly after the breakup, only to receive no response.
  • Drive by his house and/or work to confront him, or just to catch a glimpse of him.
  • Call his friends and family members to talk about him, only to receive no response, or a cold reception.
  • In addition to these points, begin “no contact” if you do anything in general that makes you feel like a complete fool.

What does following the “no contact” rule do for me?

  • It will help you gain back some of the self-esteem you have lost after repeatedly trying to contact him to no avail.
  • It will give you time to grieve.
  • It will give you time reconnect with, or repair some relationships that you may have neglected while you were part of a “couple.”
  • It will give you time to intuitively consider the relationship, the ups, the downs, and ultimately, the demise. A good guide to help you do this is The Breakup Workbook

What does following the “no contact” rule ultimately accomplish? 

  • You’ll get your self-esteem back because you won’t do things that compromise your dignity.
  • You’ll begin to rely on your friends and family – the people that will never leave you. Hopefully, you’ll continue to nurture these relationships.
  • You’ll learn to accept that the relationship truly is over.
  • You’ll be well on your way to moving on and opening yourself up to new people.

However, there is one outcome that is not highly likely, but you never know…your ex may realize what life is like without you and call you to get back together. If this happens:

  • Protect yourself. Don’t become a victim of “the booty call.” Make sure you are really in a relationship before you sleep with him.
  • Really think about the pro’s and con’s before you decide to get back together with him. Loneliness is not a good reason to resume a bad relationship.

The “no contact” rule really is hard to follow. You’ll have some set-backs for sure, but don’t beat yourself up over it. As time goes by, it gets easier, I promise.

Have you followed the “no contact” rule? What advice would you give to someone who is considering it?

I know he is bad news. Why can’t I quit calling him?

3 Aug

Dear MJ:

 

my ex cheated on me, he had a whole other relationship while with me. i had a feeling and found out i was right. i mean a full blown relationship. the day i found out, i moved out (we lived together). However, he is my first bf, and only at this point, my first love. so it was really hard for me to cut ties. so after we have been seperated about 8 months, he gets arrested. he is in a lot of serious trouble, and will most def be doing prison time, lots of it. however, i still talk to him (he is out on bail). so i didn’t really know how to deal with this whole criminal thing, so i began to shy away. to spite me, he gets back with the girl he cheated on me with! he tells me she is better than me. why do i care so much! i want him out of my life, i want to forget him, i want to stop caring about him, i want to stop loving him. however, my heart won’t let me. i know he is bad news, but why can’t i quit calling him?? any advice??

 

- Help!

 

 

 

Hey girl. I’m sorry this happened to you. Being cheated on and lied to is bad enough, but add the fact that he had another girlfriend for a very long time and I can see why you immediately moved out.

 

Your problem is that instead of cutting ties as you should have, you have held on to the notion that he *really* cares about you and will change. This is your first serious relationship and it makes sense that you want to “fix it,” but at the same time, everything you’re doing is to your own detriment: You’re not getting anything out of this relationship, while he is gaining everything from it. Think about it: he’s lonely, so you’re offering attention. He needs sex, so chances are, you slept with him after you broke up with him. He is a criminal – about to do hard time, and you’re standing by him – even though he’s with another woman and is telling you that YOU’RE no good.

 

Apparently, you’re the one that’s ‘no good’ while he’s going to jail and has, once again, destroyed your self-esteem by choosing another person over you. This guy sounds SO wonderful. Really. I can see why you can’t let him go (yes, that’s sarcasm).

 

It’s not easy to just let someone go, but you have to start somewhere. First of all, read this post pretending you didn’t write it, but that your little sister wrote it (if you don’t have a sister, imagine it’s a teenager that came to you for help). Then respond in kind with the advice that you’d give her.

 

Secondly, I noticed that you’re asking “why” you can’t stop calling him, as opposed to asking “how” you can stop calling him. To answer your WHY question, I’d say it’s because (1) being with him is a habit – a bad habit – but a habit nonetheless (2) you haven’t let him go and because he’s still in your life and reaching out to you, you feel like he really cares about you and that there’s still a chance that he’ll change – and honey, he doesn’t give a damn about you – he’s selfish and is using you and you know that. (3) you have never been with anyone else, so you can’t allow yourself to imagine being with someone else – – and seriously, ANYBODY else would be better than this guy.

 

Now we get to the “how.”

 

(1)   Start a journal (or get The Breakup Workbook) and begin writing down all of the bad things he has ever done to you. Add to the list as you think of more things over time.

 

(2)   Since you’ll still be calling him and probably won’t quit cold turkey, I want you to write down how you’re feeling after each and every conversation. I’d imagine after the last conversation you had, you feel pretty low and ugly. Write it down.

 

(3)   BEFORE you call him or answer his calls, I want you to read every single page of what you’ve written. Don’t just do it once. Do it EVERY SINGLE TIME, no matter how inconvenient it is, BEFORE you call him. You’ve got ‘forgive and forget’ syndrome with an emphasis on the ‘forget.’ I want you to read these pages in your journal to remind yourself why you shouldn’t speak with him.

 

(4)   Put yourself online. Include a flattering picture and a description of yourself. You don’t have to date any of these men, but if you can just allow yourself to see for yourself how many men (GOOD MEN!) would be interested in dating you, then maybe it will help ease the transition. And honestly, maybe you’ll meet someone online that you’d actually want to go on a date with. You never know until you try. A free dating site is http://www.OKCUPID.com. I have used this site before and like I said, it’s FREE. It’s also time consuming because it’s filled with quizzes and games and the like – which is great because since you’re feeling so awful, it’ll give you something to do other than sitting around trying to figure out an excuse to call your ex.

 

If you follow the advice, it will help you. Don’t just read it. DO IT. And finally, if that doesn’t work – go visit him in jail when he lands there. Seeing all the other losers in jail may just make you take notice of what a LOSER he is. Think of your future: Who wants to have kids with someone who has been in jail – doing serious time? How do you even explain it to your children? If you ever decide to have children with a man in the future, wouldn’t you want it to be with a man they can look up to? A role model?

 

You’re going to be fine. You just need to separate yourself from him and get to a point where you understand that there’s so much more out there than this crappy situation. You can be happy again if you allow yourself to be. You know what you have to do. Now get out there and do it!

 

Feel better,

MJ

 

Do you need relationship advice? Email MJ at admin@brokenheartedgirl.com.

“No Contact” Tactics – an excerpt from The Breakup Workbook

9 May
A lot of breakup books stress that you should immediately and completely have no contact with your ex while you endeavor to recover from the breakup. And we, too, subscribe to that theory — with a caveat. We advise you to avoid your ex for at least the first two weeks after the big “B” day (breakup day). Then, after you’ve been successful, we suggest that you speak with him for the sole purpose of seeking closure. After that, you can continue on your journey to recovery.
I know what you’re thinking: “Well, we said that we’re going to be friends. I shouldn’t avoid him. This, therefore, doesn’t apply to me.”

Sure. You’re going to be “friends.”

Ask yourself these questions and be honest:

•Do you only want to be his friend because you dream of getting back together?

•Do you only want to be his friend because you want to sleep with him again and wake up in his arms one last time?

•Do you only want to be his friend because you wish to torture yourself by listening to the gory and intimate details about his dating life?

•Do you only want to be his friend because you’re secretly plotting your revenge?

Chances are that you said yes to one of these questions.  Maybe you also believe that avoidance is crazy or just plain cruel. Fine. Be his friend like 6 months from now if keeping him in your life is that important to you.  But if your sanity is equally as important, we advise you to stay away from him for awhile.  If he asks why you’ve fallen off the face of the earth, just tell him the truth. If he really wants to be your friend, he’ll understand.

It’s not unreasonable to ask for space. If he gets angry with you over your need for time to yourself, then we suggest you question his intentions for asking you to be his friend.

Friends respect one another. Hopefully he will respect your right to grieve.

A man, yes, a man, on the BrokenHeartedGirl.com forum said the funniest thing: “Having the love of your life leave you and say, ‘we can still be friends’ is like your dog dying and your mom saying ‘you can still keep it’.”

How very true.

So let’s focus on you. That’s why you got this book in the first place, right?

Here are some basic avoidance tactics:

Establish your support network. 

First thing in the morning, call or email a few girlfriends that will support you — even if you’re a crying, blubbery, neurotic mess. Let’s face it: some girlfriends are like sisters while others are just “bar friends.” Pick the ones that are closest to you and ask them for their help. Don’t be proud. They are your friends and we’re sure they will be more than willing to have your back.

Now tell them the plan: they are going to play defense against your offense 24/7, for two weeks straight. When you’re itching to call him, you’ll call all of them instead. When you’re dying to email him, you’ll email all of them instead. Their job is to simply respond to you and talk you out of it.

Join a cyber support network.

When you sense you’re testing the limits of your friends’ good natures log on to the forum at BrokenHeartedGirl.com and speak with other women whom are just as anxious to call an ex. It may help to speak with someone going through the same anguish. It’ll help even more to speak with others whom are working through the same book. You already have something in common. We’ve broken the ice for you.

Do whatever you have to do.

A support network alone isn’t going to save you from your anxiety. A lot of people feel like they are going crazy when experiencing “ex-withdrawal.”To some extent, everyone goes a little mad during this stage. Here are some tricks to help you get through the day:

Step away from the computer. When you’re at your wits’ end and feel like you absolutely, positively have to send that email — even after everyone in your support network has tried to talk you out of it — take a walk. Like they say in the movies, “Step away from the gun!” Just get up and leave your desk. You can head to the water cooler and listen to some office gossip (always fun), or step outside and get some fresh air.

Log off IM and delete your ex from your buddy list. As painful as it is, there’s no need to see when he’s online now that he’s not a part of your life.

Write down the worst thing he ever said to you and post it on/near your computer monitor. Every time you get an urge to make contact, read that piece of paper. It will hurt to read it, but those nasty words will help you realize what a jerk he can be — ultimately leading to the realization that he’s not perfect.

Ditch the cell phone. When you’re at home and want to call him, go for a drive without your cell phone. Go see a movie without your cell phone. Go to a friend’s house without your cell phone. Duct tape your cell phone inside a drawer and just check your voicemail messages from your home phone. Give your cell phone to a friend for the night. Donate your cell phone to the homeless. Just do whatever it is that you have to do to avoid calling or texting him.

Don’t answer his phone calls. Maybe he’s trying to be the “good guy.” Maybe he’s just trying to sleep with you. Maybe he wants to get back together. Whatever his reasons for calling, don’t answer the phone. Let it go to voicemail and after you listen to what he has to say, then you can decide whether or not to return the call. We suggest that unless he says he wants to get back together, you should just wait.

Chances are you’ll call him back anyway and end up back at square one. But that’s okay. It’s hard to ignore someone when they are reaching out to you. Our point is, just be aware of his intentions and try not to place too much importance on the call.

Delete your ex from your Facebook and MySpace pages. Then, stay away from his Facebook and MySpace pages and internet dating profiles (yes, we know you’re glancing at those too). Checking up on your ex’s “new life” is not going to accelerate the healing process. You need time to swallow the breakup and accept it. Internet stalking, so to speak, is not going to accelerate the grieving process.

Stay away from your ex’s hangouts. Perhaps they may have been your hangouts  together, but right now that’s all semantics. Avoid the bars, restaurants, the grocery stores, dog runs, and jogging trails he frequents. You don’t need to do this forever. Just for now. If you have to drive an extra five minutes to go to another grocery store, then do it.

• Go to lunch with someone else. If you and your ex used to go to lunch together every day, start a new tradition. Maybe for the first few days, or weeks, you’ll choose to cry at your desk during your lunch hour. But eventually, you’ll get the strength up to actually eat. Call your friends and/or coworkers and institute a new lunch routine — one that doesn’t involve your ex.

• Invest in a timer. Set it for one hour. Then clean the house, call your friends, read a book or play with your pets. When the timer goes off, see if the urgency to call him has subsided. If not, set the timer again for another hour. Record the length of time it took for the urge to pass. It could be 3 hours or it could be 20 minutes.

Do this every day if you need to. Eventually the urge to call will pass altogether and you’ll have a record of your progress

Read the rest of this chapter by ordering The Breakup Workbook: A Common Sense Guide to Getting Over Your Ex from Amazon.com today!

 

 

How Long Should I Go With No Contact With My Ex?

18 Apr

People often ask me: How long should I go with No Contact with my ex? And I have thought long and hard about what this question means. It’s a loaded question and from my experience with counseling people, I have found that there are several different meanings:

  1. How long should I go with No Contact with my ex before he/she realizes he/she wants me back? In this instance, the No Contact post-breakup rule is a ploy to manipulate the ex to get him/her to fall in love with them again. I think this stems from all of those books and websites that claim that you can win your ex back. What I say to that is – good luck. I can’t tell you how to get your ex back. I don’t subscribe to manipulation or games of any kind. Either way, manipulating anyone is a bad idea. So be careful if you go this route.
  2. How long should I go with No Contact with my ex before we can be friends again? Another loaded question, but I do think that if the intention is good – meaning you’re not trying to get him in bed or get back together with him – then you should wait at LEAST six months and even then, don’t do it until you have met someone else that has sparked your interest. It doesn’t mean to wait until you have a new boyfriend/girlfriend, rather it means wait until you get to a point where you have dated at least one or more people and can at least fantasize about someone other than your ex. Know that you have a life beyond your ex and be comfortable with that before you even bother trying to become friends with your ex.
  3. How long should I go with No Contact with my ex before I get my stuff back? In my book, The Breakup Workbook, I advise that if you’re not able to take your things with you (say, if you lived with him and moved out), then wait at least 2 weeks before you even try to contact him. This gives you 2 weeks to cry, fret, and get used to being by yourself again- and it gives him 2 weeks to cool off as well. The book even offers some exercises to do while you spend this period in mourning. Then when you have completed these exercises, you can meet him to get your stuff and get some closure (the exercises show how to do that). If you don’t have any stuff to get, you can still meet him after these exercises, or call him, or email him to get the closure that you need (especially if he dumped you via text or email). But then after you get both your stuff and your closure, rules 1 and 2 apply from that point forward.

Let’s face it, the one thing that will get you over your ex is time. And if you don’t give yourself time to heal and regress constantly by talking to him – email, texting, IM, etc – then the longer it will take you to heal.

For more “No Contact” tips, get The Breakup Workbook from Amazon.com or BarnesAndNoble.com today!

 

Feel better! -MJ

Are You Obsessing over an ex-boyfriend?

16 Mar

There’s a phenomenon that occurs after a relationship
ends – I call it the “double-take factor.”

This will happen everyday for weeks. I’m not sure if it happens because we’re so used to seeing someone everyday that our mind plays tricks on us, or if it’s just our brain reminding us that we’re missing someone:

Does this sound like you?

Every time you see the back of a blonde guy’s head, you’ll turn around and literally gawk to make sure that it’s not ‘him.’

Every time you see a green truck, you have to speed up and drive recklessly to see the license plate & make sure it’s not him. Sometimes you may even follow the guy for miles just to make absolutely sure it’s not him.

If you find yourself gawking, speeding carelessly or driving recklessly, I want you to do this exercise:

Keep a small journal with you. Write down every single time you think you see him, write down where you were, the date, and the time. Every time you think you see his car or truck on the road, write down the amount of times you sped up, cut someone off, or followed the vehicle for miles, just so you could see if he was inside. DON’T WRITE WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING OF COURSE!

After awhile, and possibly tens or hundreds of entries, flip through the pages. You’ll realize that there are so many green trucks out there, that they all can’t be his. You’ll realize that there are millions of blonde guys out there, and not one of them were him. And after realizing that, then you’ll hopefully determine that chasing & gawking after all the green trucks in the world is a waste of time.

So, be careful & stop driving recklessly. When you’re over your ex and you spot one of those hot blonde guys, be sure to tap him on the shoulder, smile widely and give him your card. He may just be ‘the one.’

Stop Smothering Him!

1 Mar

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

I’ve been reading a lot of posts on our forum located at http://mjac.forumco.com, and I responded to one in particular today that prompted me to write about relationships “in limbo.”

Sometimes when a man breaks up with a woman he states something akin to, “I still want to remain close friends with you, but I want to see if things between us change before I decide if I want to have a relationship with you…”

The initial reaction of most women is one of desperation. “What can I do to get him to want to be with me again? How do I know when he’s going to decide? How many times should I call him in a day?”

Based on what I’ve seen in virtual and actual reality, it seems that a lot of women take this time while “in limbo” to smother their ex-boyfriends. They call all the time to “just talk.” When they do get together to hang out, they constantly ask, “How do you feel? What are you thinking? How do you feel about us?” Or worse, they keep offering up sex to see if it leads him to figure things out more quickly.

If a man says that he needs space and wants to figure things out, then it’s up to you to cognitively decide to give him that space. Don’t smother him. Don’t be pushy. Don’t be demanding. If you think you still want to be with him, then honor your friendship and your possible future by giving him the time he needs. Don’t play games. Don’t act differently. Just be yourself, but give him his space.

If you smother him, he may just give up completely. If you give him space, then he may just miss you and decide that he wants the relationship to work.

Once he decides that he wants to work on the relationship, you have to decide if you still want to work on it as well. Once the decision is made mutually, work together on ways to solve issues that have existed in the past.

Just remember – when someone says that they want space, they probably mean it. Don’t smother the man. Allow yourself to breathe. And hopefully you can both figure out the future together.

MJ

How to Use Post–Its to Maintain No Contact!

27 Sep

Dear broken hearted girl,

When you’re going through a break up, it can be hard to be ‘alone’ after you’ve been best friends with a special man for a certain amount of time. No matter how supportive your friends & family are, you are almost certain to have set-backs.

Don’t blame yourself. It happens to everyone. Head to http://mjac.forumco.com to read stories from other women!

One exercise I recommend is to place post-it notes in certain places to help you remember why you shouldn’t contact him. Maybe he said something pretty hateful to you? Maybe he has a habit that you can’t stand? Maybe he cheated on you? Whatever it was, remembering it can help you remain far away from him. Forgiveness is a virtue, but never forget.

Here are places you can use and keep post-its to help you retain your promise to yourself to keep away:

(1) On your computer! Of course that’s the easiest way to contact him and the least personal. Put post-its on your screen if you can (and if not then in a drawer next to your computer) as reminders of his ‘jerkiness.’

(2) On your mirror – but instead of reminders of him – put good affirmations that you can repeat to yourself, or quotes Edith Wharton. Whatever it is, it should be there when you look in the mirror first thing in the morning, to remind yourself of your inner & outer beauty…and most importantly…give you strength.

(3) Your front door. I know that may sound silly, but it works. Instead of writing down words, you can use it as a ticker. Before I went to bed every night, I would give myself a tick on the post-it for making it through the day without contacting him. Not only was it rewarding for my psyche, but it was also very satisfying when all of the ticks starting adding up. And then, when I would get weak, I’d think about having to take that post-it, rip it down and then start a new (blank) one. That helped me keep away.

Eventually, you will get over your urges to text, email and call him. Until then, do what you can to get through it! You are strong & beautiful broken hearted girl. We’ll get you healed yet!

-MJ

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