Why Didn’t I Just Listen To My Gut?

“I knew this would happen!”

Have you ever said that to yourself after a relationship has ended? I have. You have a gut feeling about someone and you still decide to ignore it anyway and let yourself go down the road toward the inevitable firestorm that’s going to occur. And when everything blows up in your face, you second-guess every move you have ever made in regards to this relationship. Then, you wonder why you allowed it to happen in the first place.

“Why didn’t I see this coming?”

It’s not fair to blame yourself for not trusting your gut. Sometimes gut feelings are wrong, albeit rarely, and it’s okay to want to trust the person you’re dating; because without trust, a relationship can never blossom. If you set yourself up for failure from the get-go, then you’re not doing yourself any favors. In fact, you may be sabotaging what could be a wonderful experience.

“Why didn’t I just ask?”

But it’s when you see something that is clearly wrong and you choose to ignore it that you’re going to have a problem. This means that when there is an issue, you should address it and be very upfront about your feelings so you can get the answers you need from your partner. If your paramour is not paying attention to you and simply says it’s because of his/her job, then you need to evaluate that statement. If your partner is career-centric and everything takes a seat until he has free time to spend with you, or even text you, call your or email you, then you need to decide whether or not you can handle that in the long term. If you can’t, then explain your feelings and try to move forward as best you can. With or without your partner.

“I should have known.”

You can’t know everything about someone unless you ask. And if the person you’re with won’t engage with you and explain why they are acting the way they are, then you need to decide whether you want to be with someone who fails to communicate their feelings. Someone who can’t talk to you is not going to make for a good partner/wife/husband in a long-term relationship. And whenever you’re with someone, you should always try to weigh the pros and cons in terms of marriage or domestic partnership (if that’s where you want it to head).

“If only I had done things differently.”

Again, don’t blame yourself. I am guilty of not wanting to “rock the proverbial boat,” and have ignored issues that should have been addressed in past relationships. Or I have addressed issues seemingly endlessly, only to get the same non-descript answers. If you feel that you are consistently banging your head against the wall, then evaluate the relationship and take yourself out of it. What would you tell a friend if they were in the same situation?

It’s not always easy to talk about the hard stuff with your partner. And if you don’t even feel like you have a right to ask, or if you feel that asking is going to cause problems, then realize THAT’S a problem in itself. Speaking from experience, if you don’t feel that you can communicate your feelings to someone in person, or even on the phone and you’re only comfortable texting or emailing, then you’re really not as close as you think you are. Relationships are a two-way street. So try to do the hard thing and talk. If your partner isn’t talking, then trust your gut. Get out while you can and try to do it as gracefully as possible.

For more breakup tips and advice, check out BrokenHeartedGirl.com.

May is “Date Your Mate” month. Bah!

I have come to find out that May is “Date Your Mate” month. Now, as a single person, I tend to take offense to these theme months, or theme days (we have Valentine’s Day, why do we also need Sweetest Day?) because there are NO theme days or months for singles. What’s up with that? So, for the month of May, I propose that singles make it “Date Yourself” month. This does not preclude you from dating other people – you are single after all – but maybe just make it a special time to really take care of yourself. Here are a few things you can do to “date yourself” this month.

 • Buy yourself a sex toy. Yes, you heard me. Whether it’s a flesh light for men, or a new vibrator for the women, you can add some spice to the bedroom without a mate. Just because you’re the only there does not mean that your physical needs should be neglected! • Bring home some flowers. I like going to Trader Joe’s or The Farmer’s Market to pick up a bouquet of wild flowers. Flowers add a gorgeous fragrance to my home and they also provide entertainment to my cats -who somehow always end up either chewing on the flowers, batting them with their paws, or knocking over the vase. Either way, it’s fun for everyone.

• Take yourself out for a drink or dinner. When’s the last time you went out for a nice lobster or a great glass of wine all by your lonesome? Never? Why not? I was bored at my house last week and ended up taking myself out to O’Hara’s in Newton. I took a notebook for company and started writing down some notes for a new novel. Do you know what happened? A guy came over and started talking to me about my writing. Apparently, when you’re alone (I always sit at the bar when I’m alone), people seem to be less intimidated to strike up a conversation. You may start the meal off alone and end up having a great time with new friends. Try it!

 • Pamper yourself. Okay, I have to admit that I tend to get my nails done more often when there’s a guy in my life – it’s just the way I am. But if I think about it, I love the feeling I get after I’ve had a nice pedicure and my toes are all gleaming, so I should really do it more often. But whether it’s a pedicure, a facial or a massage, schedule something this month just for you!

What kinds of things are you going to do during “Date Yourself” month? Share your ideas with us!

You’re Not a Loser.

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

I have a friend who is beautiful, smart and sassy. She’s a great girl and an even better friend, but she can be a downer at times. She is always telling me that she’s a “loser” and that she will never find a man and she’ll never get a good job. This is a girl who has 2 college degrees, can get any man she wants just by looking at him (she is VERY beautiful) and smart enough to find a better job. I speculate that she’s just not motivated to ‘go for it’ because she thinks very little of herself.

And I find it very hard to deal with. At times, I just don’t want to be around her – especially when something really good happens to me and she can’t be happy for me. I try to help her, but sometmes, it’s frustrating.

I feel that if she were a more positive person, she would attract a good man (that also has a positive attitude), the confidence to find a better job and the belief that she IS a great person, not a loser.

Do you have a friend like this? Are you as frustrated as I am when it comes to getting the person to realize their greatness?

Even worse – are you like this? Read the signs below to see if you’re a ‘twisted thinker.’

According to David Burns, MD, these are signs of “Twisted Thinking”

1. All-or-nothing thinking (a.k.a. my brain and the Vatican’s): You look at things in absolute, black-and-white categories.

2. Overgeneralization (also a favorite): You view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3. Mental filter: You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives.

4. Discounting the positives: You insist that your accomplishments or positive qualities don’t count (my college diploma was stroke of luck…really, it was).

5. Jumping to conclusions (loves alcoholic families): You conclude things are bad without any definite evidence. These include mind-reading (assuming that people are reacting negatively to you) and fortune-telling (predicting that things will turn out badly).

6. Magnification or minimization: You blow things way out of proportion or you shrink their importance.

7. Emotional reasoning: You reason from how you feel: “I feel like an idiot, so I must be one.”

8. “Should” statements (every other word for me): You criticize yourself or other people with “shoulds,” “shouldn’ts,” “musts,” “oughts,” and “have-tos.”

9. Labeling: Instead of saying, “I made a mistake,” you tell yourself, “I’m a jerk” or “I’m a loser.”

10. Blame: You blame yourself for something you weren’t entirely responsible for, or you blame other people and overlook ways that you contributed to a problem.

If you are a negative thinker, try to find the ways to turn the situation into something positive. Here’s something that happened to me:

I strained the ligaments in my ankle in June. I was on crutches for 2 months and had to walk with a brace for 3 months. I’ve just gotten to a point where I can walk in 1” heels. Well, do you know what happened the other day? I strained the ligaments in my shoulder – so now I have to go back to the doctor all over again. Do you know what I really think about this? I think that everything happens for a reason. I don’t get down on myself. I don’t whine about it. And I think that perhaps this is an opportunity to meet new people, to learn something or to just plain value the fact that nothing worse happened.

Hey, maybe I’ll meet my new doctor and fall in love. : )

I haven’t always thought this way. It was my father who taught me how to think positively. I kept going through hard times. Trial after trial for 3 years straight and he kept telling me that things could always be worse – then he would cite specific examples of our friends & family members that WERE worse off. And that helped me gain perspective. Then finally, something absolutely great happened in my career – and all of those hurdles I faced just seemed like building blocks to get me where I am today. My dad tells me that there is a reason for everything and I wholly believe him. Although one may not realize the reason at the time, it will be revealed to you eventually. (for me, it took 3 years!).

Now back to you:

When you’re going through relationship after relationship, or you’re getting divorced, or maybe just going through a traumatic event in general, it’s EASY to be a negative thinker. And it’s okay to be down-in-the-dumps for awhile. But try to remember the ten signs of ‘twisted thinking’ above so you can recognize when you’re doing it and try to change your behavior. Don’t turn into my friend (who finally has turned to therapy). Try to think positively. Remember that you’re NOT a loser, or an idiot, or prone to be miserable for the rest of your life. Sometimes things just happen. Including heart break.

Remember that you’re great, you’re smart & you’re beautiful.

Maybe that positive thinking will lead to even bigger and better things.

Feel better!
-MJ

Stop anxiety from stealing your sleep

From EverydayHealth.com, here are some tips to get to sleep, even if you’re feeling anxious.

Tips for a Better Night’s Sleep
Most people with anxiety disorders also have trouble sleeping. Treating the disorder usually improves sleep, but in the meantime, there are other things you can do:
Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, even on weekends.

Use the bed only for sleeping and sex.

Forgo naps, especially close to bedtime.

Limit the time you spend in bed. Turn in only when you’re sleepy. If you don’t fall asleep within 15 minutes or if you wake up and can’t fall back to sleep within that amount of time, get out of bed and do something relaxing until you feel sleepy.

Avoid caffeine (found in coffee, many teas, chocolate, and cola) after 2 p.m., or noon if you are caffeine-sensitive. You may need to avoid caffeine entirely if you have panic attacks.

Avoid eating foods that contribute to heartburn.

Don’t drink alcohol for at least 2 hours before bedtime.

Limit fluids before bedtime to minimize nighttime trips to the bathroom.

Stop smoking, or at least do not smoke for 1–2 hours before turning in for the night.

Exercise regularly, but not too close to bedtime. An afternoon workout is ideal.

Keep the bedroom cool, dark, and as quiet as possible.

Replace a worn-out or uncomfortable mattress.

Take a hot bath before bedtime.

Use relaxation techniques before bedtime.

Recognize Holiday Depression

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

A lot of you have written me recently about holiday depression. I found an article that talks about recognizing depression. The most important item in this article is the advice: reach out to someone (even if just by telephone) to help quell the blues.

Feel better!

-MJ

Christmas Depression
http://www.professorshouse.com/family/holidays/christmas-depression.aspx

Christmas time is the most likely time of the year to experience depression. The suicide rate is higher during December than any other month, which tells us that Christmas depression should be taken quite seriously. Depression at Christmas time can be triggered by a multitude of things, such as losses, failures, and loneliness. These elements are exacerbated this time of year. People who have had deaths in the family or have experienced divorce or the loss of a child are more prone to depression, especially during the holiday season.

It can be especially difficult to cope with a Christmas depression because everyone else seems so joyous, so reaching out feels more awkward and more remote. We don’t want to bring down those around us, we don’t want to feel “different” or alienate ourselves, and we don’t want to draw attention to ourselves either. We tend to disassociate ourselves from our own feelings and ask ourselves self defeating questions. We wonder what’s wrong with us and why we can’t just jump right on into the holiday cheer. This is supposed to be the happiest time of the year and yet we can barely drag ourselves out of bed and become functional human beings. On top of feeling sad and dysfunctional, we feel out of place, and somehow illegitimate in our feelings.

Not all holiday depression has anything to do with loss or failure or death, or even anything obvious. Sometimes people tend to just get depressed around the holidays. Yet those without an obvious “reason” feel that they really shouldn’t be depressed and are least likely to reach out for help. It’s as though people who have experienced trauma have more of a “right” to experience holiday depression than those who appear to have everything that could need or want.

People fail to recognize that holidays are stressful enough to trigger a depression. Sometimes the hustle and bustle and the need to produce (food, presents, parties, and the lot) are enough to seriously frustrate a person right into a depression. Feeling disconnected with the holidays can easily lead to a mild to moderate depression.

Whether dealing with a loss or change or simply feeling overwhelmed by holiday sadness, the number one most important thing anyone can do is to tell someone. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Over the past ten years there has been a great awakening, so to speak, that has illuminated the issue of Christmas depression. People have become more educated and more understanding about the phenomenon and often already know that someone they love is suffering from depression before there is any actual confession.

If you are alone at Christmastime and you realize that you are coming down with holiday depression, reach out to someone by phone, whether it is a friend, a relative, or a professional, just call someone. This is so important. There is nothing to be ashamed of and there are plenty of people willing and able to assist you. A bad moment (even a really long one that last several weeks) does not have to ruin a future. Unfortunately people who find themselves depressed and do nothing about it are prone to staying depressed. Depression can interfere with job performance, friendships, romantic relationships, parenting ability, self care, and even the ability to take care of the dog. It can lead to losses of these very important things if the depression becomes serious enough.

The onset of Christmas depression can sneak up on you in numerous forms. You may simply start to feel more tired than normal or start sleeping through the alarm. You may procrastinate on holiday shopping, even when those events that require your participation are only a few days away. You may start to feel randomly irritable, or snap at people without provocation. You may start to feel disconnected with the world and withdraw from those around you, even children. These are all signs that you are experiencing at least some form of holiday depression, and warning signs that you may need help in dealing with whatever is making you feel this way.

Dealing with a holiday depression once you are able to recognize it is a vital step in returning to a better state of health. Naturally, my first recommendation is that you find a good counselor to speak with. The onset of holiday depression doesn’t have to mean that you require long term counseling or even medication. It may just mean you have to learn to set better boundaries or learn to let go of the past or learn better coping skills when it comes to dealing with a tragedy. Nothing that you are experiencing is so terribly abnormal, and no one is going to react terribly to you if you ask for help.

A good counselor can help you learn to set “holiday boundaries” while you are coping with holiday depression. “Holiday boundaries” include things like limiting the number of holiday party invitations you and your family accept, scaling down Christmas to a level that feels more reasonable to everyone, asking for help in the Christmas preparations, and perhaps dealing a little differently with the specific tasks that tend to depress you more. If wrapping presents creates a huge sadness in you because it triggers and emotion or a memory, then perhaps you can get a significant other, an older child, or another relative to help you so that you don’t have to wrap nearly as many. Sometimes just doing it with someone is enough to help keep your depression away.

A Christmas depression is usually more than just a simple case of the holiday blues, and it really should be treated with more respect than that. It is better to go to a counselor and have them tell you that you just have the “blues” and it will pass than to sit on a serious depression and slowly watch your world around you disassemble. A holiday depression requires attention, especially one that develops annually. While it may seem logical to believe that because it happens every year that it will just keep leaving every year isn’t logic that should be counted on when help is so readily available.

How High is Your Stress Level?

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Here’s a quick quiz to help you get a pulse on your current stress level.

Sometimes it’s fun to get an “unreality” check about your mental health – like doing the Cosmo quiz. This site, however, offers great advice at the end of the quiz with tips to reduce stress.

http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp?sectionID=203&surveyID=117&WT.mc_id=NL44

Feel better!

-MJ

Use Affirmations to Increase Self Esteem

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

The BreakUp Workbook speaks about affirmations and how they can help you get through depression caused by a break up or another traumatic event which leaves you feeling less than stellar. It’s important to do everything you can to dig yourself out of your funk and get back to some kind of normalcy. Here are some examples of affirmations that you can repeat every day. Make sure to read them out loud. Focus on their meaning. And most critically, BELIEVE them.

“I am a good person.”
“I am doing my best.”
“I will be calm today, not anxious.”
“I deserve better than this. I deserve respect.”
“I am strong.”
“I will make time to relax today.”
“My friends and family support me and care about me.”

Feel better!

-MJ

Strengthen Your Social Circles

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

During the holidays, it’s easy to feel vulnerable and alone when you are without a significant other. Instead of waiting for your friends to call, why not call them? Or better yet – make new friends!

Expanding your social network is a great way to keep busy AND a great way to do something good for others. Here are some ideas from emotionalhealth.com:

Explore some of the many volunteer opportunities available, from wielding tools to spruce up affordable housing to mentoring a child or business-person. Check with http://www.volunteermatch.org or http://www.seniorcorps.org or call your local chapter of the United Way for opportunities that fit your talents and interests.

Harness the warmer side of technology. E-mail and telephones extend your reach around the world. Libraries and senior centers may offer free online time and may even help you set up a free e-mail account.

Find like-minded people through intriguing classes, organizations, and your community newspaper.

If it’s hard to get to religious services, ask fellow congregants to escort you. If a significant illness keeps you away, find out if your spiritual leader makes home visits.

Social support is a two-way street. Offer assistance to friends, family, and neighbors and accept it when it’s offered to you.
Share a confidence. Doing so can turn a friendly relationship into an even deeper one.

If depression, low self-esteem, or social phobias affect your ability to make connections, seek help. Start by talking with your doctor. Many people have been aided by therapy, medications, or both.

If you normally wait for others to reach out, pick up the phone and propose a date.

Feel better!

-MJ

Strategies for De-Stressing. Writing It Out

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

We talk a lot about writing and how it can heal heal your soul. Here’s an article from emotionalhealth.com that speak to journal exercises and how they assist in aiding dire situations. So, if writing can help a person who has had direct exposure to acts of terrorism or war, then you know that it can help you work through your feelings of despair. Break Ups are not the end of the world, but man, they certainly do hurt a lot.

Feel better!

MJ

Strategies for De-Stressing

Writing It Out

Clinicians at the Mind/Body Medical Institute have found that the following journal exercise helps relieve ongoing sources of stress. A single attempt is not enough, though. When you first sit down to write about a problem, you may feel more anxious. The wound, once exposed, may initially hurt more than it did while hidden. But continuing to write about the same problem over the course of several days often enables you to work through difficult emotions and reach resolution or acceptance.

Here’s some advice before you begin:
Deeply troubling events and situations, such as domestic violence, rape, or direct exposure to acts of terrorism or war, are best explored with an experienced therapist. For other situations, you can proceed on your own and seek professional help only if you feel you need assistance.

If you’re physically healthy, choose the most stressful event or problem you currently face. It’s usually one that you frequently dwell upon. Or, if you think your current problems stem from past circumstance, write about traumatic events in your past.

Truly let go. Write down what you feel and why you feel that way.

Write for yourself, not others. Don’t worry about grammar or sentence structure. If you run out of things to say in the time allotted, feel free to repeat yourself.

Do this exercise for 15–20 minutes a day for three to four days or as long as a week if you feel writing continues to be helpful.

Defeat Depression After a Breakup

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Okay, so this is my last posting about pets for awhile (promise!), but I wanted to find an article to support all that I’ve said in my previous posts about how my cat helped me with my depression. Here’s the article!

-MJ

Can A Pet Help You Defeat Depression?

Kicking depression can be a life-long battle for many sufferers, and people are always looking for additional techniques and options to help defeat it. Well, surprisingly enough owning a pet – especially a dog or cat can help you defeat your depression once and for all.

There have been several academic studies that support the physical and mental health benefits of owning a pet. Owners moods have improved based on several factors.

Exercise

1. Ask any mental health professional, and they will tell you the benefits of an exercise regime for relieving depressive symptoms. When you own a pet like a dog, you have to walk the dog, bathe and brush the dog, go to the store for the dog’s food and other care items. It gets you up and moving. Something that many depressed people do not do.

Affection

2. Giving your dog or cat affection such as stroking, hugging, brushing, rubbing etc. has been proven to help decrease stress in humans, therefore lowering blood pressure, and improving quality of life.

Unconditional Love

3. A pet offers its owner unconditional love and affection. Pets simply want to be want to be loved and cared for and desperately want your companionship. This type of love without strings is very calming, relaxing, and pleasurable for most people – especially people who are depressed.

Loneliness

4. The presence of a pet helps depressed people who are suffering from loneliness, whether they are actually physically alone in the world or whether they have created a self-imposed lonely world for themselves. A pet is there giving love, sitting by your side, and creating a presence in your home.

Routine

5. The routine of caring for a dog, walking a dog, buying food, etc. is something that helps people with depression. Many depressed people no longer have a positive routine – but are “stuck” in their lives with mundane tasks, work, or perhaps do nothing at all. Being a responsible pet owner creates routine — enabling someone who is depressed to get out into life.