Resolve to Get Over Your Ex in 2011

The New Year brings along with it many new resolutions, like losing weight, eating more healthily, getting to work on time, etc. And as scores of you know, many New Year’s resolutions revolve around a vow to move on from “the ex.” And some people fail. But why? Because thinking about getting over your ex and actually deciding to get over your ex are two very different animals.

It’s a choice! Your choice!

Just as you choose to make the decision to lose weight, to eat better and to leave earlier for work, you can choose to make the decision to get over your ex. This means that even if you’ve done the crying, the  journaling, the talking and all the work possible to get over your breakup, if you haven’t made the decision to get over your ex,  then you won’t get over him/her.  That’s the plain, simple truth.

So now it’s time for you to DECIDE, or RESOLVE to truly move on.

Think about it: losing weight is a choice, bettering your job performance is a choice. You work hard at it and eventually your state of mind changes and doing better and focusing on your job just becomes a part of your routine – it becomes part of who you are.

Easier said that done.

No kidding. It’s easy to sit on your couch and cry every day.  It’s NOT easy to pick yourself up off that couch and start living your life again. But that’s EXACTLY what you have to do. When you do things that make yourself feel bad, it doesn’t affect your ex; it only affects you! It doesn’t hurt him when you choose to stay at home crying instead of going out. IT ONLY HURTS YOU.

And you LOVE you, so take care of YOU!

I choose me!

Now that you’ve decided to get over your ex, and stop wallowing in your own damn misery, you have to change your mindset regarding him/her. When you find yourself reliving moments you have had, stand up and say out loud, “Snap Out Of It!” And go out and do something you enjoy! Or if you’re at work, quietly make a list of things you love about yourself, or make a grocery list, or just write gibberish – whatever it is – do something quietly that forces you not to think about your ex. Then get on with your day.

And if you haven’t deleted the text messages, emails and IM conversations you have saved – GET TO IT!

Go out and live your life for YOU and for nobody but YOU. Choose yourself. Love yourself. And realize that your ex is in your past. IN YOUR PAST. Live for the present and create a future.

For more tips and advice, visit BrokenHeartedGirl.com, view our blog, or get The Breakup Workbook today!

When Enough is Enough

Are you in a relationship with someone you really care about, but at the same time, you find yourself feeling miserable, experiencing only fleeting moments of happiness? Somehow you know it’s wrong, but you love him so much that you want to keep trying until you get it right. Perhaps you break up and get back together often. Perhaps you are trying to “stick it out” until he changes. Whatever it is, when the person you love makes you miserable, there’s a genuine problem.

Whether your partner is unhappy, unemotional or unavailable, these emotions have a way of rubbing off on the people around them. This means you. Ask yourself these questions:

• Are you generally depressed, whereas before this relationship you were generally happy?
• Do you find yourself acting out in order to grab your partner’s attention?
• Do you feel like your happiness depends on your partner’s happiness?
• Have you often thought about leaving, but just haven’t gotten up the nerve?

If the answer to many of these questions is yes, then it’s time to strongly consider where you go from here.

If you’re in a situation where you’re unattached – meaning you live alone and don’t depend on your partner for financial support, here’s what you do:

1. Start a pro & cons list.  If the cons outweigh the pros, it’s time to think about leaving the relationship.
2. Imagine your life without your ex. Don’t think about the short-term, think about the long-term; meeting someone else, loving without boundaries, sharing your life with someone who cares.
3. Write down what you’re going to say. Then email, call, or meet with him in person to discuss your concerns.
4. Prepare to feel awful. Chances are, when it’s over, you’ll still feel miserable for awhile, but a giant weight will be lifted off your shoulders – nearly immediately!

Some people can’t just “up and leave” because there may be financial or familial obligations to consider. And that’s okay. Here’s what you can do:

1. Make a plan. Whether you need to save up money, find a new place to live, or file divorce papers, make a plan and set a timeline to get it done.
2. Stick to your plan. It’s easy to get distracted; especially during the few good times you have with your partner, but if the misery continues, stick to your timetable. You can always change your mind, but it’ll be nice to have that backup plan ready to go when you’re ready to go.
3. Find your nerve. You will know when the time is right because you’ll feel it in your gut.
4. Write down what you’re going to say. Then email, call, or meet with him in person to discuss your concerns. (If it’s not wise for you to speak with him, skip to the next step).
5. Execute your plan. Take a deep breath and take your final steps out the door. Don’t look back.
6. Prepare to feel awful. Chances are, when it’s over, you’ll still feel miserable for awhile, but a giant weight will be lifted off your shoulders – nearly immediately!

Learning to let go…and yes, I know it’s hard.

As women, we tend to really weigh the pros and cons of every single decision we make – whether it’s choosing to spend money on those leather boots on Newbury Street, or deciding whether or not you should eat a salad or a burger for lunch. But when it comes to relationships, we really do tend to over-think every decision we make, no matter how mundane: “Should I have told him that I don’t like it when he walks 5 paces ahead of me? Is he annoyed that I asked him to call me more? Can I tell him that I want him to try harder to get along with my mother?” It’s as if we worry more about the other person than ourselves and our happiness.

But sometimes in life, you do have to make decisions that are in your best interest – meaning, you can’t care what the other person thinks or how they feel – you just have to do what is right for you.  And doing that, my friends, is really tough.

Sometimes you have to make the hard decision to break up.  And then you have to make the hard decision to let go.

But that’s the hardest part, right? Letting go.

I’ve let go of people a few times, but usually because they’ve done something that has turned me off completely, or because they broke up with me and/or hurt my feelings so much that I haven’t even desired a reconciliation. But it is a bit different when the feelings are still there.

This is what I do when I let go of someone for whom I still care.  I hope it helps you as well:

(1)    I delete a majority of our email communications so I don’t spend time going over all the “good times” and flirty messages we shared.  I keep the emails that remind me what I did not like about him so I never get involved in “magical thinking.”  For example, “I really had it great with this guy. Why did I blow it?”

(2)    I delete his number from my phone. I am such a random texter, and honestly, when I party with my friends, I have been known to send some texts that I regret in the morning. But hey, don’t we all?

(3)    I talk to my friends. I used to have this pride that blocked me from talking about broken relationships because I’m “the breakup expert.” The fact is that I have psychologists who come to me for advice on their breakups – and they always say the same thing – it’s sometimes easier to hear what you need to do from other people. But friends and family generally can make you feel as if you’re not crazy for wanting more than what you have – and for seeking a better situation.

(4)    I read your posts. This reason I created BrokenHeartedGirl.com is so that all of us can see that we’re not alone. I know that my situation is not unique. Plenty of people have regretted breaking up with someone else for a short while, only to realize in the long run that it’s for the best. It’s helpful to know that I am not alone and my situation is not necessarily unique – although it can feel that way at times.  (So, log on to BrokenHeartedGirl.com right now and start reading! It’s free!)

(5)    I try to remember that breakups go two ways. Whenever I find myself wondering what he’s up to, or who he’s with, I stop and think: Maybe he’s wondering what I’m doing? Maybe he’s missing me too? When you break up with someone, it doesn’t mean that the feelings automatically stop – whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee. It’s helpful to think that I am not alone in my grief.

(6)    Finally, I just cling to the knowledge that I’ll get over this too. It’s not easy to imagine myself 3 weeks from now totally secure and ready to take on the world. But then I remember that I broke up with my long-term ex a year ago and I don’t even think twice about him (except when I use him as an example in my posts!).

Acceptance is the final step in your journey toward a healed heart. Acceptance, in my mind, is THE destination I aspire to reach. I have faith that you’ll be on your way there soon.

Your Ex is Only Human

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Have you ever thought that your ex-boyfriend has no feelings? That he has no sense of remorse regarding your break up? That he is heartless? Have you ever wondered how he could have devastated you so much by making the decision to break your heart?

Do you ever wonder if he’s even human?

Right now you’re angry and depressed, and you have every right to be, but have you ever thought about the painful decision HE had to render to end your relationship?

Your ex loved you at one point. He enjoyed spending time with you. He may have even been considering marriage. The possibilty of a break up had not even crossed his mind.

Somewhere along the way, things went wrong in the relationship. Perhaps the two of you argued consistently about one problem in particular? Perhaps your friends didn’t like him? Perhaps one of your quirks that he used to adore had gradually started to grate upon his nerves? Whatever the instance, something was inherently wrong in the relationship and it made him wonder if the commitment was worth the pain and the arguing.

Falling out of love can be harder than the act of falling in love. On one hand he is in a whirlwind of flowers and rainbows and constant sex. On the other hand, the flowers have dried up, the rainbow has disappeared and the sex has become intermittent at best (and if that’s not the case, then sex may be the only thing keeping you together!). Relationship problems have come to the forefront of his mind, and after much contemplation, he eventually decides that it is in his best interest to end the relationship because of “X” problem.

Even though the break up may have blindsided you, he may have been mulling it over for a very long time. His feelings of remorse may not be immediately apparent to you, but remember that he had to make the painful decision to hurt you. And if you’ve ever broken up with someone, then you know how hard it can be to come to that decision.

So what do you do now?

Remember that he once loved you and had feelings for you. Remind yourself that his decision to end the relationship may have been just as hard on him as it is on you. Remember that he is only human.

Allow yourself to cry, laugh, get angry and be miserable; after all, you’re only human too!

And if you’d like to speak with humans who are in the same situation…go to www.brokenheartedgirl.com where you can commiserate with other men and women just like you!

Win a Copy of The Breakup Workbook!

If  you’ve recently been dumped and you’re having trouble getting over it, you should do everything you can to move forward. This includes getting The Breakup Workbook. And for a limited time, you can get your own FREE copy.

Simply sign up to follow us on Twitter by November 30th and you’ll be automatically entered to win! 

Our twitter name is:

breakupworkbook

If you don’t have Twitter, you can also send an email to admin@brokenheartedgirl.com.

And while you’re at it, don’t forget to sign up for our FREE advice forum – http://www.brokenheartedgirl.com, where you can seek advice in our forum, write your own public or private blogs, make friends, participate in live chats, and really start to move forward with your life!

Follow us on Twitter by Nov. 30th to win!!

Take care,

MJ

Things I have been doing to get over my ex.

This is probably the most personal blog I will ever write for public consumption, but it needs to be said.

It has been 3 weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend. I guess that’s why I haven’t written too many blogs lately. So what have I been doing? Well I (of course) have been following the exercises in The Breakup Workbook. So far I have:

Completely changed my bedroom. I moved the bed, bought new sheets and a great comforter, and moved the furniture around. I know he hasn’t seen my room this way and he never will. It is all mine and it is a fresh start.

Visited my therapist. She helped me realize that I did, indeed, make the right decision to break up with him. But she also gave me permission to grieve the relationship, which I think is important.

Found new things to do. I recently joined a bowling league, a trivia team and a dodgeball league. I have also accepted invitations to 3 different holiday parties – and I am sure there are more to come.

Put all of his stuff in the garage. There are 2 reasons for this. One, I can’t look at his things anymore. Two, he can come by and pick them up whenever he wants and I don’t have to see him. I already called him and received whatever closure it is that I needed. There’s no reason to see him at this point and I know if I do, I’ll probably make some mistakes that I’ll regret.

Joined a gym. I’ve found that it’s best if I go directly after work. Oftentimes if I head home straight from work, I change into my sweatpants and then just sit on my butt for the rest of the night. Frankly, I feel great after my workouts and I’ve noticed a change in weight – however slight. It makes me feel good about myself.

Had my pity party. I honestly didn’t cry for the first 2 weeks after we broke up. I guess I was still in shock. I eventually was stuck in traffic one day and I was really frustrated and I just lost it. I pulled over and allowed myself to cry and scream and yell at the top of my lungs. It felt great afterward and since then I have let myself cry when I feel the urge.

Put myself online. I am not ready to date. But whenever I get a wink or an email from someone, it helps me to remember that I will meet someone again. And I believe that after awhile I will start responding to some of the emails I receive… when I’m ready, of course.

I am incredibly devastated… But I also know that I will eventually be okay. I have friends and family to rely on and so far everyone has been incredibly sweet and good about inviting me places. It’s important to get out of the house when you’re depressed and ever-so-slowly I have been getting out there.

I still love him. But that will fade with time.

Should I trust my intuition?

Have you ever heard someone say something like this to you?

“I knew in my gut that he was cheating on me. I just knew it. But I chose to ignore it. I wish I had trusted my instincts!”

So, tell me, if you’re feeling like something is a little off in your relationship, what do you do? Do you trust your instincts or do you just ignore it because you’re afraid that if you’re wrong, you’ll wreck the relationship? How do you find out what’s “really” going on without wrecking the relationship?

Do you get sneaky? Get creative? Or do you just go at the problem head on and confront him/her?

Would love to know your thoughts!
MJ

BrokenHeartedGirl.com website is now LIVE!

Set up your FREE account and join! You can write your own breakup blog, IM other users and post in our forum. It’s all very exciting for us and all of this new stuff should enhance your experience when you come to use our community! The only bad thing is we had to start from scratch, so while previously we had 1600 members, we had to start again at zero. Yikes!

Best,
MJ

BrokenHeartedGirl.com website is being upgraded!

Sorry for the inconvenience, but we’re upgrading BrokenHeartedGirl.com. In a few days, it’ll be a community in which you can login, chat, IM, and blog about your heartbreak and then talk about your eventual recovery. If you need to access the forum in the meanwhile, head to:

http://mjac.forumco.com.

Best,
MJ

New Commercial from OutOfYourLife.com

Talking Dogs…the classic Breakup Slap…you gotta love it!