Speed dating. Two words that spark a ton of questions:

• How much does it cost?
• What kind of people go to these events?
• What kind of girl does speed dating?
• What kind of guy does speed dating?
• How desperate do I seem if I go to an event?
• What if I hate it?
• What if nobody picks me?

I’ve always wanted to do it. I’ve never tried it. I’m a breakup recovery expert, so really, what business do I have trying to help people date? I did, however, get the chance to host an event in Boston the other night (for a friend who was ill) and I wanted to share my observations with you. Hopefully some of these observations will help you decide whether or not speed dating is for you.

Cost:

Speed dating can cost anywhere from $10 to $50, depending on whether cocktails and appetizers are included. Generally if you do not meet a match, you will receive a coupon for a free event in the future – so you’re not wasting your money by simply trying it out.

How It Works:

• Show up at the event (a little early if possible) dressed business-casual.
• Find the registration table, sign in, grab your dating card, put on your name-tag & head to the bar for a drink.
• At the designated time (usually 15 minutes after event start-time) sit at your designated table.
• Get your card out. With each date, you will write down the name of the person you spoke to and a simple Yes or No.
• Generally women remain seated at the table, and the men rotate every 3, 5, or 10 minutes.
• Chat nicely with each person you meet & try to make the best impression you can!
• When the event is over, hand your card to the event manager and head home.
• Usually within 48 hours, you will receive an email with your MUTUAL matches. This means that both of you indicated an interest.
• It is then up to you to email your mutual interests to set up your date.

The People Who Show:

• The most amazing, smart, professional, beautiful women are at speed dating events.  I met a lawyer, an accountant, a ballroom dance teacher (and more!) at the event I hosted. These women were all gorgeous, all had something to say, and all were totally in shape and dressed to the 9’s.  I was highly impressed.

• The guys were all nice, but there weren’t enough of them! According to my roster, a lot of men signed up for the event, but just never showed. Not sure if it’s because there’s a stigma attached to speed dating, or they had to work late, or what the deal was…but there were not enough men-to-women at the event I hosted, so I ended up dragging people over from the bar.

(Lack of) Desperation:

I didn’t think that any of the people who showed at the event appeared desperate. It seemed to me that everyone had a life, but perhaps were too busy working, or perhaps too shy to approach someone in public (okay, I’m mostly talking about the guys here – the girls were mostly outgoing), or just hate the bar scene.

The Ones Who (Thankfully) Got Away:

While most of the people were really awesome & there for the right reasons…there were 2 women with an “I’m too good for this” attitude. They made everyone in the room uncomfortable – including me. They ended up leaving before the event started anyway…and honestly, I was grateful for it…and so was everyone else.

Pointers:

• If you’re going to speed date, go in with a positive attitude.
• If the attendees aren’t the “type” of people you would normally date, then use the situation to practice your listening skills, or your interview skills, or just social skills in general.
• Ask questions.
• Smile.
• Listen (this is the most important!).
• Shake hands (don’t hug – it’s awkward).
• Keep in mind that if you don’t get any matches, you generally get a coupon to try it again for free another time.
• Also keep in mind that if you don’t get any matches – it doesn’t mean that nobody was interested in you. You are only told your MUTUAL matches. So try to stay positive.

And my final observation: If you’re a guy and you’re looking for a relationship – TRY SPEED DATING!  Again, the women I met were amazing and I think it’s a gold mine for men who are actively looking for a relationship.

I’m not actually trying to promote a speed-dating service – I just filled in for a friend – so I don’t have any specific links to give. But if you want to try it, check out Meetup.com for an event near you!

Have you ever tried speed dating?  If so, how was it?

Facebook is a world with no boundaries, real etiquette rules, or laws by which to abide. It’s the wild-wild-west for relationships, friendships and casual acquaintances and everyone is free to do as they please – at least until they are deleted or blocked. But should there be boundaries? Should there be expectations placed on your Facebook friends in regards to relationships, comments, etiquette and more? Or do expectations just hinder the idea of having a free and open place to share your life with the people who matter to you most, as frequently or infrequently as you please?

A man posted on BrokenHeartedGirl.com a few months ago that one of the primary reasons he broke up with his girlfriend is because she didn’t ever look at his Facebook page. He said he felt like she didn’t care about him as much as she should because she never commented on his wall, or on his pictures and didn’t keep up with his posts as much as he did with hers. She claimed that she wanted to get to know him in person rather than on his wall, but to him, this just meant that she wasn’t interested enough in what he was doing when they were not together.

He, being a person in touch with his feelings, actually brought this up to her and shared that it made him feel  hurt that she didn’t go through his photos, or comment on his status when he knew she was on Facebook. But, again, she just said she’d rather deal with him in real life. That was one of her boundaries.

And so, he changed his status from, “In a relationship with…” to “Single” and has tried really hard not to look back, because sharing publicly is well within his boundary line. They just didn’t see eye-to-eye on that one.  

 It seems like an asinine thing to say, “The frequency and context of Facebook comments matter!” But, to those of us on Facebook, they do: I remember a conversation I had with a group of friends a few weeks ago. One friend said to another, “I really like him. I just don’t know how he feels about me.” Another friend said to her, “Well, he is always commenting on your Facebook wall. He must at least care about you to do that!”

And I thought, “Wow, what a silly thing to say!” But, as I started to think about it, I thought that her idea really did have some merit. I always notice when people comment on my wall. And I always notice when people don’t. Those little comments can really boost or hinder your self-esteem if the people who comment are important to you – and if the comments you’ve made are important to you. For example, if I write, “I’m having a bad day!” and the guy I love comments back with, “I’m sorry. I’ll bring you a bottle of wine after work,” I think that’d make me pretty giddy. But if I wrote that and didn’t hear anything from him about it, nor receive a phone call later that day – if I knew he was on Facebook – I’d be pretty disappointed. It may be silly, but it’s still true.

Just as everyone has a different personality and comfort zone in real life, everyone has their own Facebook comfort zones. For me, one of the boundaries I created for myself is that I won’t become FB friends with anyone I’m casually dating. I just don’t see the good that can come out of it, unless you’re already in a committed relationship. Here’s why:

I was seeing a guy for a time who I thought was really great. And we weren’t “In a relationship with…” on Facebook, but we were definitely spending quite a bit of time together in real life. I was really excited when we took pictures together a few months into seeing each other and I asked him point blank, “Can I tag you in these?”  He said, “Sure.” And so, a few days later, when I did tag him in the pictures, he not only untagged them immediately, but he changed all of his photo settings so nobody can tag him in any pictures. My immediate reaction was one of hurt (I cried) and then it was anger, because his action begged the question: “What do I do now?” I sincerely stink at relationships and I didn’t know the proper etiquette for un-tagging. So I didn’t do anything and just let it sink in my stomach. And eventually, one day, someone commented on something he wrote and I saw that her profile picture was of the two of them.  And eventually he admitted to me that he was in love with her – and not with me – and that ended pretty badly.

And so now I’m not friends with anyone I’m casually dating on Facebook. That one lesson was so poignant that I’ll never forget it.

But there are also boundaries that people create, even with those people they aren’t dating; strangers, who are friends by-proxy, for example:

There have been times in my Facebook world where people I don’t actually know in real life have invited me to be “friends” simply because I commented on something in a sports forum, or Tweeted about something I thought was funny. In those cases, if I have already had extensive conversations with those people and they send me a Facebook friend request, I’ll definitely add them to my list. But then, what happens when one of their friends – someone I don’t know – friend requests me? It may be a guy who thinks I am cute and wants to ask me on a date? Or someone who heard about my book who wants to ask me a question? Luckily, I have a fan page and a website for those fans, but with people I don’t actually know, I do have considerations to make: Who is this person? Do I want them to know everything about me? If I decline, what can I say so that they don’t think I’m the biggest jerk in the world? What’s the proper etiquette? I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my Facebook world, but I don’t want to upset anyone either.  I am still working on that on a case-by-case basis and discovering my boundaries as I go.

On one weekend about 2 months ago, I received 4 Facebook requests from complete strangers who had absolutely no connection to me whatsoever.  I had just changed my Facebook photo from a particularly normal one to a picture that featured me in this skimpy black dress. I complained about this to one of my male friends who told me, “You can’t have it both ways, MJ. When you put a picture like that up, you’re inviting people to look at you.” And he was right. The type of pictures I choose to put on my profile are also something to consider when thinking about boundaries. Of course, I didn’t accept any of those friend-requests and didn’t feel badly about it either, because one of the only hard & fast rules of Facebook is that you don’t have to be friends with people you don’t know.

So, what are your Facebook boundaries? How do you filter in your friend requests? Do you Facebook friend people you’re casually dating? How seriously do you take Facebook comments? Let me know!

But it doesn’t end with Facebook.

More recently, a survey released by OKCupid, finds that daily Twitter users have shorter romantic relationships than non-Twitter users (or those who do not Tweet as often). As an active Twitter user with a crap love life, the findings of this “study” made me curious.

According to OKCupid’s study, tallying responses from 833,987 OKCupid users, the average relationship for an 18-year-old who actively uses Twitter lasts about nine months. The average romantic relationship for 18-year-olds who do not Tweet lasts 9.5 months. Yes, that’s right – 2 whole weeks longer. So that didn’t phase me much. But as I continued to review the graph, I noticed that the problem appears to worsen with age. Ruh-Roh.

According to the graph, at 34, it seems that my relationships would end 5 weeks earlier on average than a non-Twitter user. There’s no reasoning behind the study – I mean, Twitter users are probably more vain than the average person (everyone listen to me!), and we probably spend more time working online than working on our relationships, but it’s all conjecture. Everyone has their baggage. However, 5 weeks is a long time.

And so I start to wonder…

If I’m in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship already and I end it 5 weeks earlier than the non-Tweeter, doesn’t that give me a 5 week head-start to lick my wounds and move forward? I suppose it doesn’t matter if my vanity, or time spent online led my relationship to its demise. This extra 5 weeks gives me more time to spend trying to find someone who can appreciate my quirks. Right?

And what’s so bad about that? I think I’ll keep Tweeting, thank you very much.

Read the full results here: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/10-charts-about-sex/

And if you’re currently out of a relationship, Twitter user or not, visit us online at BrokenHeartedGirl.com to talk it out.

Have you ever said that to yourself after a relationship has ended? I have. You have a gut feeling about someone and you still decide to ignore it anyway and let yourself go down the road toward the inevitable firestorm that’s going to occur. And when everything blows up in your face, you second-guess every move you have ever made in regards to this relationship. Then, you wonder why you allowed it to happen in the first place.

“Why didn’t I see this coming?”

It’s not fair to blame yourself for not trusting your gut. Sometimes gut feelings are wrong, albeit rarely, and it’s okay to want to trust the person you’re dating; because without trust, a relationship can never blossom. If you set yourself up for failure from the get-go, then you’re not doing yourself any favors. In fact, you may be sabotaging what could be a wonderful experience.

“Why didn’t I just ask?”

But it’s when you see something that is clearly wrong and you choose to ignore it that you’re going to have a problem. This means that when there is an issue, you should address it and be very upfront about your feelings so you can get the answers you need from your partner. If your paramour is not paying attention to you and simply says it’s because of his/her job, then you need to evaluate that statement. If your partner is career-centric and everything takes a seat until he has free time to spend with you, or even text you, call your or email you, then you need to decide whether or not you can handle that in the long term. If you can’t, then explain your feelings and try to move forward as best you can. With or without your partner.

“I should have known.”

You can’t know everything about someone unless you ask. And if the person you’re with won’t engage with you and explain why they are acting the way they are, then you need to decide whether you want to be with someone who fails to communicate their feelings. Someone who can’t talk to you is not going to make for a good partner/wife/husband in a long-term relationship. And whenever you’re with someone, you should always try to weigh the pros and cons in terms of marriage or domestic partnership (if that’s where you want it to head).

“If only I had done things differently.”

Again, don’t blame yourself. I am guilty of not wanting to “rock the proverbial boat,” and have ignored issues that should have been addressed in past relationships. Or I have addressed issues seemingly endlessly, only to get the same non-descript answers. If you feel that you are consistently banging your head against the wall, then evaluate the relationship and take yourself out of it. What would you tell a friend if they were in the same situation?

It’s not always easy to talk about the hard stuff with your partner. And if you don’t even feel like you have a right to ask, or if you feel that asking is going to cause problems, then realize THAT’S a problem in itself. Speaking from experience, if you don’t feel that you can communicate your feelings to someone in person, or even on the phone and you’re only comfortable texting or emailing, then you’re really not as close as you think you are. Relationships are a two-way street. So try to do the hard thing and talk. If your partner isn’t talking, then trust your gut. Get out while you can and try to do it as gracefully as possible.

For more breakup tips and advice, check out BrokenHeartedGirl.com.

It’s a choice! Your choice!

Just as you choose to make the decision to lose weight, to eat better and to leave earlier for work, you can choose to make the decision to get over your ex. This means that even if you’ve done the crying, the  journaling, the talking and all the work possible to get over your breakup, if you haven’t made the decision to get over your ex,  then you won’t get over him/her.  That’s the plain, simple truth.

So now it’s time for you to DECIDE, or RESOLVE to truly move on.

Think about it: losing weight is a choice, bettering your job performance is a choice. You work hard at it and eventually your state of mind changes and doing better and focusing on your job just becomes a part of your routine – it becomes part of who you are.

Easier said that done.

No kidding. It’s easy to sit on your couch and cry every day.  It’s NOT easy to pick yourself up off that couch and start living your life again. But that’s EXACTLY what you have to do. When you do things that make yourself feel bad, it doesn’t affect your ex; it only affects you! It doesn’t hurt him when you choose to stay at home crying instead of going out. IT ONLY HURTS YOU.

And you LOVE you, so take care of YOU!

I choose me!

Now that you’ve decided to get over your ex, and stop wallowing in your own damn misery, you have to change your mindset regarding him/her. When you find yourself reliving moments you have had, stand up and say out loud, “Snap Out Of It!” And go out and do something you enjoy! Or if you’re at work, quietly make a list of things you love about yourself, or make a grocery list, or just write gibberish – whatever it is – do something quietly that forces you not to think about your ex. Then get on with your day.

And if you haven’t deleted the text messages, emails and IM conversations you have saved – GET TO IT!

Go out and live your life for YOU and for nobody but YOU. Choose yourself. Love yourself. And realize that your ex is in your past. IN YOUR PAST. Live for the present and create a future.

For more tips and advice, visit BrokenHeartedGirl.com, view our blog, or get The Breakup Workbook today!

Whether your partner is unhappy, unemotional or unavailable, these emotions have a way of rubbing off on the people around them. This means you. Ask yourself these questions:

• Are you generally depressed, whereas before this relationship you were generally happy?
• Do you find yourself acting out in order to grab your partner’s attention?
• Do you feel like your happiness depends on your partner’s happiness?
• Have you often thought about leaving, but just haven’t gotten up the nerve?

If the answer to many of these questions is yes, then it’s time to strongly consider where you go from here.

If you’re in a situation where you’re unattached – meaning you live alone and don’t depend on your partner for financial support, here’s what you do:

1. Start a pro & cons list.  If the cons outweigh the pros, it’s time to think about leaving the relationship.
2. Imagine your life without your ex. Don’t think about the short-term, think about the long-term; meeting someone else, loving without boundaries, sharing your life with someone who cares.
3. Write down what you’re going to say. Then email, call, or meet with him in person to discuss your concerns.
4. Prepare to feel awful. Chances are, when it’s over, you’ll still feel miserable for awhile, but a giant weight will be lifted off your shoulders – nearly immediately!

Some people can’t just “up and leave” because there may be financial or familial obligations to consider. And that’s okay. Here’s what you can do:

1. Make a plan. Whether you need to save up money, find a new place to live, or file divorce papers, make a plan and set a timeline to get it done.
2. Stick to your plan. It’s easy to get distracted; especially during the few good times you have with your partner, but if the misery continues, stick to your timetable. You can always change your mind, but it’ll be nice to have that backup plan ready to go when you’re ready to go.
3. Find your nerve. You will know when the time is right because you’ll feel it in your gut.
4. Write down what you’re going to say. Then email, call, or meet with him in person to discuss your concerns. (If it’s not wise for you to speak with him, skip to the next step).
5. Execute your plan. Take a deep breath and take your final steps out the door. Don’t look back.
6. Prepare to feel awful. Chances are, when it’s over, you’ll still feel miserable for awhile, but a giant weight will be lifted off your shoulders – nearly immediately!

But sometimes in life, you do have to make decisions that are in your best interest – meaning, you can’t care what the other person thinks or how they feel – you just have to do what is right for you.  And doing that, my friends, is really tough.

Sometimes you have to make the hard decision to break up.  And then you have to make the hard decision to let go.

But that’s the hardest part, right? Letting go.

I’ve let go of people a few times, but usually because they’ve done something that has turned me off completely, or because they broke up with me and/or hurt my feelings so much that I haven’t even desired a reconciliation. But it is a bit different when the feelings are still there.

This is what I do when I let go of someone for whom I still care.  I hope it helps you as well:

(1)    I delete a majority of our email communications so I don’t spend time going over all the “good times” and flirty messages we shared.  I keep the emails that remind me what I did not like about him so I never get involved in “magical thinking.”  For example, “I really had it great with this guy. Why did I blow it?”

(2)    I delete his number from my phone. I am such a random texter, and honestly, when I party with my friends, I have been known to send some texts that I regret in the morning. But hey, don’t we all?

(3)    I talk to my friends. I used to have this pride that blocked me from talking about broken relationships because I’m “the breakup expert.” The fact is that I have psychologists who come to me for advice on their breakups – and they always say the same thing – it’s sometimes easier to hear what you need to do from other people. But friends and family generally can make you feel as if you’re not crazy for wanting more than what you have – and for seeking a better situation.

(4)    I read your posts. This reason I created BrokenHeartedGirl.com is so that all of us can see that we’re not alone. I know that my situation is not unique. Plenty of people have regretted breaking up with someone else for a short while, only to realize in the long run that it’s for the best. It’s helpful to know that I am not alone and my situation is not necessarily unique – although it can feel that way at times.  (So, log on to BrokenHeartedGirl.com right now and start reading! It’s free!)

(5)    I try to remember that breakups go two ways. Whenever I find myself wondering what he’s up to, or who he’s with, I stop and think: Maybe he’s wondering what I’m doing? Maybe he’s missing me too? When you break up with someone, it doesn’t mean that the feelings automatically stop – whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee. It’s helpful to think that I am not alone in my grief.

(6)    Finally, I just cling to the knowledge that I’ll get over this too. It’s not easy to imagine myself 3 weeks from now totally secure and ready to take on the world. But then I remember that I broke up with my long-term ex a year ago and I don’t even think twice about him (except when I use him as an example in my posts!).

Acceptance is the final step in your journey toward a healed heart. Acceptance, in my mind, is THE destination I aspire to reach. I have faith that you’ll be on your way there soon.

Good job cheater!!

Basically, if you cheat on your partner, you are destroying much more than your relationship. You are damaging that person’s ego, causing them to re-think all of their choices (in the past and the future) and making it downright impossible to openly trust future romantic partners.  When you cheat on your partner, you are effectively – and probably mindlessly – destroying your partner’s spirit.

If you care about the person you’re with at all, please think about the long-term consequences of cheating before you stray.  And if you decide that you really do need to seek sex outside of your relationship, then do the smart thing and BREAK UP with your boyfriend/girlfriend BEFORE you cheat.   

And if you’ve been cheated on and are having trouble figuring out what to do next, visit BrokenHeartedGirl.com to talk about it!

Related Blogs: 

 Should You Give Them a Second Chance?

Catching a Cheater

So instead of being a jerk and allowing this poor person to wallow in misery, whether or not they deserve it, you should put yourself in this person’s shoes. Chances are you’ve already been there. So what are you waiting for? Pick up the phone and break up with him. Here’s how:

Gather your Thoughts: Write down your reasons for the breakup. Is she boring? Lazy? Too interested in Dungeons & Dragons? Has he been caught in a lie recently?  Make a list to help guide you through your conversation.

Avoid Clichés: You know exactly what I’m talking about.  Don’t patronize someone or attempt to placate their anger by saying:

• “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
• “I like you, but I’m just not ready to date right now.” 
• “I think we’re just meant to be friends.”
• “You want more than I can give you at this time.”

Tell the Truth: Okay, so possibly only me and a handful of other women are capable of doing this, but I feel that if you tell someone why you’re breaking up with him/her, or why you don’t wish to date him/her, it’ll help the person in future relationships. Here are some examples I’ve gotten from other people. I picked them because they go from vague to specific:

• I think you’re great, but I just didn’t feel a spark or anything when we kissed.
• I am attracted to you, but we really have nothing in common. (Then get specfic) I was talking about television and you don’t even own a television. I can’t have a girlfriend who doesn’t watch television.
• I thought it was just a “friends with benefits” situation. I didn’t mean to lead you on.
• You are very clingy and I need more personal space than you can offer. (Then get specific) You can’t just show up at my office for lunch every day when we don’t have plans.
• You seem to be very immature and I’m looking for a potential wife.
• I decided to get back with my ex-boyfriend (this could be a cliche’, but if it’s true, then do tell!).
• The few times we’ve gone out, you have leered at other women. I’m not just saying you have “checked out” other women, but you have actually turned your head all the way around to follow someone walking around the room. That’s creepy.
• I don’t like it when you invite me on a date and 9 times out of 10 ditch me for “better” plans.
• You talk with your mouth open, burp in public and make potentially racist jokes.  So, although you’re good in bed, I am embarassed to be seen with you.

Sit with a Friend: If you’re the type of person who freaks out over confrontation (and you know who you are!), then ask a friend to sit in the room with you while you conduct the breakup over the phone. It may sound childish, but it’s way more mature than avoiding someone’s phone calls because you’re too afraid to pull the trigger.

Call from an Appropriate Environment: Whether you’re with a friend or on your porch, do make sure that you’re in a quiet area and that you have at least half an hour to devote to the call.  It’d be rude to break up with someone while you’re, say, on a train and about to go into a tunnel. If you’re going to give the person the courtesy to call and break up, then you may as well give them the courtesy to listen to what she/he has to say.  It’ll be over before you know it and you can move on with your life. Besides, constructive criticism goes both ways, so they may or may not tell you something about yourself that you can take into (or leave out of) a new relationship.

Make the Call.  Here’s how it should go: 

• Say Hello.
• Tell the person why you’re calling (to break up).
• Let the person know that you respect them enough to call (even if you don’t respect them and you’re just trying to make them stop calling you).
• Tell them why you’re breaking up.
• Leave it open for questions/yelling.
• End the call with the fact that you’re sorry it didn’t work out. Then say, “Take Care.” DO NOT SAY “Good Luck.”  That just makes you sound like a tool.

Here’s an example: ”Hello. This is Jessica. I am sorry I haven’t called, but I’ve been thinking it over and I don’t think you and I are right for one another.  I am not good at these sorts of things, but I respect you enough to call you. So, remember the other night when you invited me for a quiet dinner and all of your friends showed up and it turned into a Frat Party with Keg Stands?  Well, I was surprised at how crazy you got, considering you’re 30 years old and I really didn’t think that I’d spend our second date taking care of you while you vomited all night.  I understand that things get out of hand sometimes, but you made a bad impression on me and I’d rather not date anymore.”

Then let him say everything he wants to say.

Then end with, “Well, I’m  sorry it didn’t work out. It was very nice to meet you. Take care.”  

And that’s it.  If you’re lucky, you can be off the phone in 5 to 10 minutes. But sometimes, the person will get mean (especially if you’ve been mean) and it’ll take longer.  

And if you’re the person who has been broken up with, then visit BrokenHeartedGirl.com to talk about it!

Whether you’re currently broken hearted, or you’ve been there before, you have probably heard some or all of these breakup lines. These used to be conveyed personally, but now…now they are just delivered inhumanely via text. Worst of all, these are the lines that historically have driven men and women crazy because they don’t define the REAL reason for the break up; they are just vague cliches. And that’s why I call them B.S. Breakup Lines.

1. It’s not you, it’s me.
2. I need space.
3. We’re just meant to be friends.
4. I need to focus on myself right now.
5. You deserve better.

Tell me the worst text breakup lines you’ve ever received!